Sunday, July 25, 2010

OK, now I am fueled.

Once upon a time, there was this wiry, thin girl. Because she was so lean, her parents let her drink vitamins, so that her body would be duped to make her think to eat more. But maybe it really was just nature and adolescence, she remained thin, no matter how much she ate. She dreamt of adipose tissues, and association with them, and knowing the experience of having belly fats. But she remained fat-less. Then age took its toll.

Now she is 27 and struggling to lose weight. It seems like nature is not cooperating anymore. Those adipose cells are not letting go and she being tempted by lots of oh so delicious stuff all the time. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she could not believe it. There is still this feeling of non-acceptance - of how that lean girl of long ago gained all this weight.

But she is resolving to change all of this. She is gonna run. Not run away. But run, run for a healthier life, for a better body. To regain her self-confidence. How ironic right? When not so long ago she yearned to be fatter, but now she wants to be thinner. Oh well.

I need a 'Eureka'!

Writing used to be my emotional outlet. I could write at least 2 blog entries a day and would feel like writing more. But now, it seems like my passion has all dried out, and I feel like I am tired of pouring my emotions into paper. That really makes me sad and worried at the same time. Writing is not supposed to be a forced activity. It is something that just happens smoothly, spontaneously. There are just so many things that I really want to do and I then make excuses not to write anymore, because I feel like I have to do many other things but in reality, I have lots of time to write. I just need some sort of inspiration - a spark of feeling, a turmoil of emotions, a 'eureka!', a bright lightbulb.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Ramblings of a Bored Person

I can't believe it. I am jumping from one blog to another! (waxiemarie.multiply.com) Just goes to show that I am really really bored. Giant (my boyfriend) is in South Africa and I really don't have someone I can confide to right now. I feel like I am less human or something - it's like a part of me is missing (nyahaha so corny, but nevertheless, whatever you think, that is how I feel =P So bear with me. You might get to hear lots of rants about me missing him but what the heck, this is my blog, so let me be!).

I don't want to talk about work here (that's on another blog, I was thinking of starting a UI testing blog. Effective UI testing, so as to push myself to learn more about UI testing and it's wonders. Ladida. Ladidoo.) I just want to talk about life in general. Yes, boring, but what else can I talk about?

I have started to pick apart the threads of relationships in the past few months. How do you define an effective relationship? Does a relationship even have to be effective? To say a relationship is effective sounds like it is forced. It would be better if a relationship is natural, informal. Many people treat having a relationship as a serious thing (well indeed it is serious but one does not need to act like he/she's getting married tomorrow!). A relationship too is having fun. Not fun in a way where you get to have lots of drinking and stuff, but it's having fun in a way where both you and your partner get to be natural with each other - get to laugh a lot, and bask in each others' presence (no nudity necessary =P). I say, that is effective - without effort. I was soo scared in getting into a relationship. I was afraid of getting too "mature". One needs to balance things - acting like a child sometimes is forgiveable (it adds to the fun too!), but one needs to know when to be mature. Understanding is a main ingredient, but spice is mandatory else the relationship will be bland and forgettable. Well enough with this relationship topic. What else do I want to talk about?

I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. Well how about that? A pound a day. That is an achievement! :) Being vegan on weekdays really helps a lot. Not to mention exercising every morning, and looking at oneself in the mirror and be convinced that you are fat. Don't think I'm anorexic or binging or something, I am not. I seriously am overweight now. I have gained 20 pounds eversince I got introduced to US fastfood and daily cuisine. I am really not blaming it on the food. I am blaming it on myself - for the lack of self-discipline. That is why I am pushing for change - and hoping that I will still recover and regain my old self-confidence. I can say it is hard being overweight, it's so hard to lose weight! But I just have to believe in my self-discipline. I have to whip myself and prove to myself that I can reach my goal in losing weight.

It really feels good to write and just to vent. I know what I have written so far is boring, don't worry, the next few days I will try to be more creative. So brace yourselves. ;)