The Silver Lining of My Cloud

Random Thoughts.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Losing Weight Again

I just came back from my not-so-quick long overdue errand to return equipment to Comcast. After 3 years of living alone with all the priceless privacy I can have, I finally decided to move out and rent a room. I feel it's worth the barter and I could not believe I did not think of this long ago. Don't get me wrong, I am not in a hardship at all, I just had to push myself to save even more - not just for myself, but for my brother's med school education as well.

So this blog post is not really about my move and all. It's about my journey (once again) on weight loss (ha, as my title says!). It has not been an easy road at all - that bumpy road of trying to peel myself off those adipose cells has been very excruciating. Well I am exaggerating. It's not as if I am in some pain, but emotionally it has been a roller coaster for me. I kept telling myself that I am losing weight so I can eat more, that that is my personal mantra but I really have just been lying to myself. I honestly wanted to lose weight to feel better and be more comfortable with myself.

First Day

Today is the first day of my weight loss milestone. This is a restart of what I have started last year. I have already lost around 10 pounds since last year but due to an injury, I was sidelined for a few months and languished in days of no exercise. So day by day, I look and stare at myself in the mirrror and keep pinching my belly fats and realize that this is not healthy anymore. I have to give myself a break and swallow that awful truth that I am starting to become overweight. Well, I am already overweight. It's not really as bad as I think it is - I most probably am overweight by just around 10-15 pounds but trust me, it is damn hard to lose those last pounds. I thought I could achieve that target last year - I have already reached 121 lbs and I had 3 pounds more to lose but I gave in to my urges of eating by the end of the year after I ran my first half marathon.

So back to my first day. I started to eat "healthier" lunches the past days. I have really pushed myself to eating just salad for lunch comprised of lettuce, eggs, pieces of chicken, beans, and some balsamic vinegarette. It's not torture at all and surprisingly I haven't been hungry in the afternoons. I kind of changed my routine and have dinner early now. Then today, as of my writing, I have decided to go for an afternoon run before sunset. To digest the egg sandwich I just ate (protein, protein, protein with wheat bread!). I used to hate wheat bread. I felt it was too dry and eew. But it's not bad at all. Not that bad at all.

I tried to weight myself but it seems like the weighing scale has a mind of its own and won't work on carpeted floor. Will have to bring it downstairs to have an effective weighing. Thirty minutes more and I should be off to an hour's worth of jog then a good night's sleep.

Wish me luck. I hope this time it would be for real and I will be healthier.

Update @ 9:24pm, roughly an hour and a half after: Yes, finished a 3 mile run! The first of many hopefully. I feel tired but refreshed after a short cold bath. Weather in Seattle has been really sweltering the past days. My fan in the background is full blast. I hope the night treats me well. I really want to rest and do a quick run tomorrow morning. Lord, thanks for the love.

Remembering the Past

I usually get teary-eyed when I find myself recalling old memories, memories of what was, what made me who I am right now. These are the tidbits of thoughts that make me melancholic and sort of dramatic, and sometimes make me pinch myself just to remind me that I am indeed sashaying with reality.

What Goes Up Must Go Down

That is what my Papa always reminded me. I was born into a prominent family or shall I say "clan" in my city, and have always found myself proud of this. Sad to say though, a family name cannot pay the bills, or the school tuition, or provide food on the table. I can say I matured at a very early age. When my parents fought due to financial issues, they thought that at a young age of 10 I would still be very naive of such things, but fortunately (I really can say that), they were wrong. I pushed myself to be courageous in many matters - such as putting a brave front talking to the school finance to allow me and my brother to take the final exams despite not paying the tuition (being a grade schooler at that!).

Don't take my parents wrongly. They tried to do their job of providing for me and my brothers, but due to unfortunate business decisions, we had to literally live a paycheck-to-paycheck life. Sometimes even to the negative. Even though we literally had nothing and we could not afford wants, sometimes even needs, they sent us to the best schools, and put our education at the topmost priority. That was the wisest decision my parents made and I am very much thankful for that.

I believe the experience of hardship is a very good inspiration. A lot of people ask me what pushes me to crave for "magis" and just to live life at my best capacity. My childhood experience is my whip akin to the carrot of a horse. I never strove to be rich for the sake of being rich, I wanted to just have enough, so that my family can live comfortably. Or to eat a hotdog without peeling the skin (that is for another story).

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Losing Weight

It is soooo hard to lose weight! How I wish I can go back to my high school days and take advantage of my skeleton like body and eat all my favorites (and maybe suffer high blood pressure as well and die of heart attack?) I don't care! Haha. As long as I can eat my favorite bbq, fried stuff, lechon, tempura, all the pasta I want (I recently have taken to the liking of spaghetti - all kinds!) and all the chicharon in the world.

But oh well, I will remain a hapless individual who does not have the luxury to do that anymore. I thought my luck would not run out, but oh well, I have no choice now but to really lose weight. Morning exercises, pretending that yummy food is not yummy at all, aching muscles, and unfriendly weighing scale trips. And not to mention looking at my "salva vidas" in the mirror and pinching them a million times to prove to myself that they are real.

I'm officially on my second day of trying to lose weight. Give me 90 days, and we will see the results if my personal "surgery" has worked its wonders.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Pouring Everything In

It has been a few days now, where I just can't seem to progress. Lots of thoughts have been entering my mind (and never exited), so that is why it is a must for me to write in the next few minutes - just to pour everything in, just to let those thoughts out. I need to clear my mind so that I may be able to think clearly. So here it goes ...

About Loving.

To love is a choice. Oh yes. But it's not that simple - it comes with a lot of baggages. You have to learn to understand (a lot of this!), and you should not be stupid in the process. Yes, one has to accept but one also has to recognize what is wrong from right. We have our thresholds and there will definitely be a time when you would not be able to take it anymore. In the process of squeezing out all those tears, breathing out, and just thinking that things will be ok, you know deep inside that eventually, things have to change. Change has to come in early, else whatever grudges you hold now will haunt your relationship later. Then it will all be too late.

About Friendship.

Friends should not treat you like a kid. They can advice, but they should comfort too. Sure, they can point out your mistakes but they should not leave you feeling so stupid. True friends put themselves into your shoes and if they feel you took the wrong road, they should be able to inform you up front, and not talk to other people about what you have done wrong. True friends not only talk to you because they can benefit from you, but engage in conversations just for the heck of it. True friends don't come to you only in times of need, or only when they need someone to talk to. That for me is really an insult. I can be very understand, but really I cannot understand that.

I used to not pick my friends. My usual thought was everyone has the biggest potential to be a good friend. As I matured, that belief changed. I began to recognize which ones stick through thick and thin, and which ones stink. I began to recognize which ones are users, and which ones are real. I began to recognize which ones would defend you when needed, and which ones would talk to you behind your back. The process broke my heart a lot of times, and made it hard for me to trust people anymore, but believe me, in the mud, there is gold. There are still those friends who would always lend an ear to listen, and would not blab things to others. There are still those friends that you know you can trust, that would never tarnish your reputation.

About Family.

Whatever everyone says, make your family your priority however far they may be.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Blessings and Fear

I am thankful that God has blessed me with lots of wondrous things (even though I don't deserve most of them!) I cannot believe that I am where I am right now. A good and stable job, enough pay to exercise generosity, and overflowing love that I am graciously sharing.

Fear has been my #1 enemy for the past years. It is the thing that has continually harassed my fragile soul, and is the root of my insecurity. I have been trying to conquer it, and I believe I am slowly succeeding. Self-experience has taught me to be more self-confident and to stand for myself. In connection to that, I have learned that we do not have to stand up for ourselves all the time. We have to stand up in the right context, without destroying friendships. Yes, I know it is good to defend one's self belief, but it surely is not right to make people believe that you are right all the time. You have to act according to status quo, and be humble for now, and defend later, at the right time. It surely is not easy, but it has to be done. I may be speaking in riddles, and one day I may clarify all of these things. :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Changing My Lifestyle

How hard it is to change one's lifestyle. Today, I just had a can of coke and orange chicken with white rice for lunch. I know it is wrong, but emotional and mental pressures seem to coax me to eat what I want and not what is right for me. I seem to have lost all self-control, that it is my environment and not me who is controlling my life. That is really wrong and I have to change that.

I am now on my second week working for Microsoft as a fulltime SDET. A big change in career, and supposed to be something that would pump me to be a better person than who I was. But I'm afraid in the personal aspect, things have gotten worse. Because of stress (I blame myself for this), I don't have enough energy to enjoy things outside of work anymore. I have to fix this, else I will not be who I want to be.

It is even a miracle that I am writing this post right now. It is just that self-realization has made me think that change has to come into the picture, that I have to push myself to change. It really is very easy to say that, it really is easy to make plans, but to act out on those plans is super hard. That is the challenging part for me.

I have to improve myself. I have to lose weight, I have to do more of my hobbies often, I have to learn how to do my time management better, and I have to plan this well. The way I carry myself now makes me feel so miserable and depressed that I am emanating this moldy aura. Not good at all.

What I will do I am keeping to myself for now. But for sure, I have to change.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How Blindness and Stupidity are related

I am in pain right now. Not the skin-deep physical pain but the numbing, heart-shocking kind.

Last night, I realized that I am a very sensitive person. Not that that is bad but if you get to be with a person that is very insensitive, that would not be a good combination. It would be like oil and water - never in agreement with each other, and is yet proven to be able to get along well. So unless science finds a way to make the two elements mold, then they would remain apart. But I am sticking. Call me crazy but I am sticking for now. I am water, always sensitive, sensitive of ripples, sensitive to the touch. Always accepting, always yields. That may not be good for me.

It was supposed to be just a casual conversation over dinner about money and financial matters. But because of my sensitivity and his insensitivity, things did not end well. I never felt so low before. With other people, I could easily defend myself and underscore my opinions and feelings so that the opposing side could see things clearly. But with him, things just seem different. How he could easily turn the tables on me and make me feel guilty. Now I know what the phrase "crying his sockets out" or "crying out in buckets" feel like. After that painstaking crying session, I resolved to myself that I would never cry that much again. My head felt like it would explode anytime, that even lying down on a soft surface didn't alleviate the pain - and ever increased my emotional tantrums. My brain and my heart exchanged questions back and forth like a ping pong ball artistically prodded to the other end of the table. In the end, my heart won, and I just had to submit to that decision.

Is this decision something that I will doubt in the years to come? Am I a hypocrite to myself? Is this supposed to be healthy? Is this normal?

I just want to feel loved. Is that too much to ask?

I am a living example of "Love is blind". The saddest thing is, I chose to be blind.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

OK, now I am fueled.

Once upon a time, there was this wiry, thin girl. Because she was so lean, her parents let her drink vitamins, so that her body would be duped to make her think to eat more. But maybe it really was just nature and adolescence, she remained thin, no matter how much she ate. She dreamt of adipose tissues, and association with them, and knowing the experience of having belly fats. But she remained fat-less. Then age took its toll.

Now she is 27 and struggling to lose weight. It seems like nature is not cooperating anymore. Those adipose cells are not letting go and she being tempted by lots of oh so delicious stuff all the time. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she could not believe it. There is still this feeling of non-acceptance - of how that lean girl of long ago gained all this weight.

But she is resolving to change all of this. She is gonna run. Not run away. But run, run for a healthier life, for a better body. To regain her self-confidence. How ironic right? When not so long ago she yearned to be fatter, but now she wants to be thinner. Oh well.

I need a 'Eureka'!

Writing used to be my emotional outlet. I could write at least 2 blog entries a day and would feel like writing more. But now, it seems like my passion has all dried out, and I feel like I am tired of pouring my emotions into paper. That really makes me sad and worried at the same time. Writing is not supposed to be a forced activity. It is something that just happens smoothly, spontaneously. There are just so many things that I really want to do and I then make excuses not to write anymore, because I feel like I have to do many other things but in reality, I have lots of time to write. I just need some sort of inspiration - a spark of feeling, a turmoil of emotions, a 'eureka!', a bright lightbulb.