Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Blessings and Fear

I am thankful that God has blessed me with lots of wondrous things (even though I don't deserve most of them!) I cannot believe that I am where I am right now. A good and stable job, enough pay to exercise generosity, and overflowing love that I am graciously sharing.

Fear has been my #1 enemy for the past years. It is the thing that has continually harassed my fragile soul, and is the root of my insecurity. I have been trying to conquer it, and I believe I am slowly succeeding. Self-experience has taught me to be more self-confident and to stand for myself. In connection to that, I have learned that we do not have to stand up for ourselves all the time. We have to stand up in the right context, without destroying friendships. Yes, I know it is good to defend one's self belief, but it surely is not right to make people believe that you are right all the time. You have to act according to status quo, and be humble for now, and defend later, at the right time. It surely is not easy, but it has to be done. I may be speaking in riddles, and one day I may clarify all of these things. :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Changing My Lifestyle

How hard it is to change one's lifestyle. Today, I just had a can of coke and orange chicken with white rice for lunch. I know it is wrong, but emotional and mental pressures seem to coax me to eat what I want and not what is right for me. I seem to have lost all self-control, that it is my environment and not me who is controlling my life. That is really wrong and I have to change that.

I am now on my second week working for Microsoft as a fulltime SDET. A big change in career, and supposed to be something that would pump me to be a better person than who I was. But I'm afraid in the personal aspect, things have gotten worse. Because of stress (I blame myself for this), I don't have enough energy to enjoy things outside of work anymore. I have to fix this, else I will not be who I want to be.

It is even a miracle that I am writing this post right now. It is just that self-realization has made me think that change has to come into the picture, that I have to push myself to change. It really is very easy to say that, it really is easy to make plans, but to act out on those plans is super hard. That is the challenging part for me.

I have to improve myself. I have to lose weight, I have to do more of my hobbies often, I have to learn how to do my time management better, and I have to plan this well. The way I carry myself now makes me feel so miserable and depressed that I am emanating this moldy aura. Not good at all.

What I will do I am keeping to myself for now. But for sure, I have to change.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How Blindness and Stupidity are related

I am in pain right now. Not the skin-deep physical pain but the numbing, heart-shocking kind.

Last night, I realized that I am a very sensitive person. Not that that is bad but if you get to be with a person that is very insensitive, that would not be a good combination. It would be like oil and water - never in agreement with each other, and is yet proven to be able to get along well. So unless science finds a way to make the two elements mold, then they would remain apart. But I am sticking. Call me crazy but I am sticking for now. I am water, always sensitive, sensitive of ripples, sensitive to the touch. Always accepting, always yields. That may not be good for me.

It was supposed to be just a casual conversation over dinner about money and financial matters. But because of my sensitivity and his insensitivity, things did not end well. I never felt so low before. With other people, I could easily defend myself and underscore my opinions and feelings so that the opposing side could see things clearly. But with him, things just seem different. How he could easily turn the tables on me and make me feel guilty. Now I know what the phrase "crying his sockets out" or "crying out in buckets" feel like. After that painstaking crying session, I resolved to myself that I would never cry that much again. My head felt like it would explode anytime, that even lying down on a soft surface didn't alleviate the pain - and ever increased my emotional tantrums. My brain and my heart exchanged questions back and forth like a ping pong ball artistically prodded to the other end of the table. In the end, my heart won, and I just had to submit to that decision.

Is this decision something that I will doubt in the years to come? Am I a hypocrite to myself? Is this supposed to be healthy? Is this normal?

I just want to feel loved. Is that too much to ask?

I am a living example of "Love is blind". The saddest thing is, I chose to be blind.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

OK, now I am fueled.

Once upon a time, there was this wiry, thin girl. Because she was so lean, her parents let her drink vitamins, so that her body would be duped to make her think to eat more. But maybe it really was just nature and adolescence, she remained thin, no matter how much she ate. She dreamt of adipose tissues, and association with them, and knowing the experience of having belly fats. But she remained fat-less. Then age took its toll.

Now she is 27 and struggling to lose weight. It seems like nature is not cooperating anymore. Those adipose cells are not letting go and she being tempted by lots of oh so delicious stuff all the time. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she could not believe it. There is still this feeling of non-acceptance - of how that lean girl of long ago gained all this weight.

But she is resolving to change all of this. She is gonna run. Not run away. But run, run for a healthier life, for a better body. To regain her self-confidence. How ironic right? When not so long ago she yearned to be fatter, but now she wants to be thinner. Oh well.

I need a 'Eureka'!

Writing used to be my emotional outlet. I could write at least 2 blog entries a day and would feel like writing more. But now, it seems like my passion has all dried out, and I feel like I am tired of pouring my emotions into paper. That really makes me sad and worried at the same time. Writing is not supposed to be a forced activity. It is something that just happens smoothly, spontaneously. There are just so many things that I really want to do and I then make excuses not to write anymore, because I feel like I have to do many other things but in reality, I have lots of time to write. I just need some sort of inspiration - a spark of feeling, a turmoil of emotions, a 'eureka!', a bright lightbulb.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Ramblings of a Bored Person

I can't believe it. I am jumping from one blog to another! (waxiemarie.multiply.com) Just goes to show that I am really really bored. Giant (my boyfriend) is in South Africa and I really don't have someone I can confide to right now. I feel like I am less human or something - it's like a part of me is missing (nyahaha so corny, but nevertheless, whatever you think, that is how I feel =P So bear with me. You might get to hear lots of rants about me missing him but what the heck, this is my blog, so let me be!).

I don't want to talk about work here (that's on another blog, I was thinking of starting a UI testing blog. Effective UI testing, so as to push myself to learn more about UI testing and it's wonders. Ladida. Ladidoo.) I just want to talk about life in general. Yes, boring, but what else can I talk about?

I have started to pick apart the threads of relationships in the past few months. How do you define an effective relationship? Does a relationship even have to be effective? To say a relationship is effective sounds like it is forced. It would be better if a relationship is natural, informal. Many people treat having a relationship as a serious thing (well indeed it is serious but one does not need to act like he/she's getting married tomorrow!). A relationship too is having fun. Not fun in a way where you get to have lots of drinking and stuff, but it's having fun in a way where both you and your partner get to be natural with each other - get to laugh a lot, and bask in each others' presence (no nudity necessary =P). I say, that is effective - without effort. I was soo scared in getting into a relationship. I was afraid of getting too "mature". One needs to balance things - acting like a child sometimes is forgiveable (it adds to the fun too!), but one needs to know when to be mature. Understanding is a main ingredient, but spice is mandatory else the relationship will be bland and forgettable. Well enough with this relationship topic. What else do I want to talk about?

I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. Well how about that? A pound a day. That is an achievement! :) Being vegan on weekdays really helps a lot. Not to mention exercising every morning, and looking at oneself in the mirror and be convinced that you are fat. Don't think I'm anorexic or binging or something, I am not. I seriously am overweight now. I have gained 20 pounds eversince I got introduced to US fastfood and daily cuisine. I am really not blaming it on the food. I am blaming it on myself - for the lack of self-discipline. That is why I am pushing for change - and hoping that I will still recover and regain my old self-confidence. I can say it is hard being overweight, it's so hard to lose weight! But I just have to believe in my self-discipline. I have to whip myself and prove to myself that I can reach my goal in losing weight.

It really feels good to write and just to vent. I know what I have written so far is boring, don't worry, the next few days I will try to be more creative. So brace yourselves. ;)