Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I don't like Crossroads that much

As defined by wikipedia, a dilemma " (Greek δί-λημμα "double proposition") is a problem offering at least two solutions or possibilities, of which none are practically acceptable; one in this position has been traditionally described as being impaled on the horns of a dilemma, neither horn being comfortable." Well, I don't know if the problem I have now is a dilemma for the solutions are not really that uncomfortable.

In a month's time, I will relocate to California. My home base for my "career war". I haven't even revised my resume yet, and I haven't revisited my work experiences. Simply said, I am not ready. For the past months, I have been so sure of Seattle as my final destination but now, I am having second, third, N thoughts. I don't think I like crossroads that much.

I have relatives in Seattle, I also have relatives in Texas and I have my tita Nora in California - so I should open my options to these states. I really really am confused. I hope in the next few weeks I will be enlightened.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Fast Post

This will be a long, busy day for me so I might as well take advantage of these few minutes of free time before class to post something in my space. I just finished reading chad's blog and I have been very enamored of the way she presented things that I felt like I should write more articles like that! Thanks chad for the inspiration. Well, all I have been writing in my blog for the past months have been articles about myself that I thought maybe I should write more intelligent articles. I guess I should. This is great. I am excited!!!

I guess my first "intelligent" article will be about my hometown - Cagayan de Oro. I have been talking with a close friend of mine about my favorite spots in CDO; I guess I will be needing additional help from my cousin for visual representations. Hehehe. Ate au help me! I don't know, I really feel like writing something interesting. I feel like I should put this "writing energy" on the roll. I will just update you guys on the progress of my future post.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Tired but Happy

I am bracing myself for a new block, a new course, and come to think of it, I am the only female in our class (for this block!). My other female batchmate transferred to another course and I was sooooo thankful that at least I have one other female companion but yesterday I was disappointed to learn that she jumped the ship. Okay.. :D So here I am again - one of the guys.

The past week felt like it was a whole year. Crazy week! Getting to speak in front of class, and meeting great new friends! The latter reason is I think what really made the week stretch. It is great - purging out memories I have so carefully stacked at the back of my mind's basement of events never thinking I'd be able to speak them out again. Melancholic and relieving at the same time.

A month more ... and I am off to be fed to the dogs (what a very pessimistic way of saying things! o_O) I still have so many things to learn, so many things to do, so many things to wrap up. I wish I could do them in time to be ready for the interviews.

To the new friends I have met for the past week, thank you for making me smile each day. And to the One up Above, thank you for giving me strength.

I think I am going back to sleep. Recuperating from a long night..

I blog coz I live.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Princesses' Woes

The poisoned apple I did not want...
The strike of midnight I tried to avoid...
A pair of legs I yearned the most...
A prick of a needle most unexpected...
Kidnapped by a frog which I so most feared...
Befriending a genie and making a wish...
And falling in love to the beast makes the most remarkable of all.

A Message to a Friend

Today I hurt a friend. I never meant to.. I did not want the hurt to be more than what it is.. They say honesty is the best policy but in this case I am having second thoughts. We have just been friends for just a few days but I can say this friend is one of the best friends I have ever met in my life. I just wish circumstances were different. I just wanted to protect my friend from myself, so I had to speak the truth. I never really meant to hurt my friend..

You know who you are. I hope you would still talk to me again. I am sorry. I am really very sorry. Why does it feel like I have known you for so long? I deeply apologize but I had to speak what I felt and thought..

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

And So I Thought

Lucky are those people who are able to express themselves fully with what they do.

I recently just became friends with some people who can fully manifest their creativity and at the same time affect those people they share these creativity with. Kakaiingit! I am still very sleepy right now - my body really wants to crawl back into those sheets but my mind seems to be flying and my hand is cooperating with it! ^_^ I had no choice but to do another blogpost again - even though what I am writing does not have a unified sense into it. Or I guess will not have no unified sense.

Random Words

Service. The word is not worth attaching to oneself; the definition can be fully discovered if this word is attached to people - helping out lots and lots of people. What is it to serve? To feel that most gratifying feeling of giving oneself to others. To sigh with a smug smile on the face. To feel that sense of relief of being able to at least give a piece of oneself. To feel that great sense of joy by acting selfless. Yes. Being selfless and just giving oneself out without thinking of what good you can absorb with an act.

Love. As they say "Love is like a bubble gum, makapilit, makabuang! (Love is like a bubble gum, when it sticks on you, makes you crazy!)". True? Maybe - if you let your emotions reign over your head. There are even times when we promote one tiny feeling of "like" to a feeling of "love". Then we just go crazy and fling ourselves without even thinking. I was like this before. I went moony and... should I say I served? Coz I said in my definition of service that being selfless and giving oneself without thinking of what good you can absorb with an act. I guess service is really done without thinking of oneself but thinking of what you are acting or thinking of the action you are doing. Do you get what I am saying? Sometimes loving is really just selfish. Like all you can think of is making that person like you back (you just feel like you are giving your all but all you really want is requited feelings). True loving is loving someone without expecting that person to love you back. That is the first condition in loving - never expect someone to love you back. It hurts but when you step onto the podium of love, just grab hold of the microphone, give your all but be thick-skinned enough to be able to withstand rounds of rotten tomatoes. But you'll never know - you'd get bouquets of flowers. You wouldn't know. Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get (Except if the chocolates are not assorted of course! Hahaha. That is what we call - boring life).

Anyway.. I just wrote what I felt like writing. My chest hurts again because I haven't bought my medication yet.. later perhaps? ^_^ I gotta find someone to drive me to the pharmacy... or maybe I'll just have to bring myself to walk under the heat.

Oh, the meditation bird does not knock anymore. It seems like he is like a representation of someone in my life (or shall i say, out of my life).. he knocked and I thought he wanted to get in. I was wrong.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Restoration

I could just laugh at myself. And I thought things were true. Oh my god. How is it that I could laugh and hurt at the same time? Am I becoming crazy? But it really is sad. Liking a guy and thinking that he is sincere and all and then you realize that there is no enough foundation to conclude sincerity unless he REALLY shows them. Then I stumbled across an article from Deanne's site and it was like the truth just slammed into my face and after I read it, I just smiled to myself and thought and thought "SEE?". The good thing is, I cherish friendship and whatever hurts encountered during a relationship I really value the friendship over hurts. At least there's still that thing remaining. So here I am again. Forgetting. And healing. :) A warm feeling and sometimes a headache too. Or shall I say a heartache? But that's what makes life great .. it has this auto-heal though it may take some time. The images keep flashing into my mind and they remind me of reality. Stupid. o_O

I am not supposed to face a computer right now 'coz we have this RC going on and I am supposed to delve into the safer aspects of life and forget pains. The heart clouds the brain. Emotions converted into thoughts and then thoughts are processed and thoughts are again converted into emotions. The vicious cycle.

I have to revert my attention back to what should be worth focusing on. The next few days, I will be restoring attention and restoring life. God help me.. :)

Saturday, July 05, 2008

The Meditation Bird

The first time I heard it knocking its beak on the glass window I felt like laughing. How ridiculous it looks - bashing its head on the window's surface and hoping to get inside. It feels the boundary but it is not conscious of the presence. It is a bird for whatever's sake! It cannot know.. it does not know...

There's this robin that is ever present every meditation. It just never gives up - never loses hope. I really wonder why it wants to get inside the meditation hall. Is it because it feels some "deep" vibrations from deep within or is it just curious? I wonder if it feels hurt. But whatever that bird feels everytime it slams into the window, it just doesn't mind the feeling and keeps on doing what it does every meditation time.

Sometimes, we are like this in love. Maybe we are just curious of what's inside or we hope for wonders. We just keep bashing into the window of love, we just keep knocking and never minding the pain and that ever hurtful feeling everytime we bash into it. We are even better than this bird, for we are endowed with better and bigger brains and "human intelligence". But despite this blessing, we just do not use this "thinking" capacity for everytime we face the window of love, it's just as if it (the brain) does not exist and we become stupid. We become so starry-eyed and we forget we are humans.

At first, I did not mind the knocking of the bird and I was just so concerned that what if it will die because of brain hemorrhage (I guess many girls now are hoping for that. haha.). But then, it just doesn't stop, and the knocking becomes noise...The barrier will always be there for the bird. But it just doesn't realize that. As humans, we should realize barriers and learn when to push and when not to push.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A Late Chicago Review

I shake my head and sigh.

It was a month since I was in Chicago. I really can say it is my favorite city - no biases. Well, maybe a little since when I last went there, I was with my friends. Chicago, the Windy City. Sigh. It was the first time I went to a roadtrip with friends. I apologize to Amado (my Egyptian friend) for going there not being THAT prepared. Yes, I printed out maps and maps of the different restaurants and places there, but I did not come up with a fixed itinerary (like I saw him do which is kind of embarassing for me 'coz women do these things. Hahaha! :)). We went there and had headaches on the parking spaces. We had to take long walks from the parking spaces to our destinations ... but all in all, the trip was not too bad. We had a great stay at the Holiday Inn (not to mention it was a long 45 minute drive (I think) from the city proper). The Millenium Park was great though. I thought for me the Navy Pier was kind of boring. The boat ride to the Shedd Aquarium was eye-popping! Hahaha. From the boat, you can get to see the city full-view (and fully appreciate the warmth of the sun, the hugs of the wind, as well as the sound of the gulls). And Shedd Aquarium? Kinda reminds me so much of the Philippines. But I still think nothing beats going to the Philippines and seeing the ocean life in full action through the glass bottom boats or through snorkeling. We tried to go to the planetarium but we felt at that time we did not have enough money for the entrance fee. So we just spent our time lying down on the grass near the place watching the big, sea-like river. I still feel giddy thinking of the trip. Though I missed going to the zoo, still it was a trip to remember. I know this is not a detailed review, but when I feel like writing one next time, maybe I will do. ;)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A Perfect Day

I cried today.

It is not as you think. I did not cry because of some moony stuff over love, or because I was angry at someone or because I failed on a test. I cried because of this movie.

Of course! Summerbreak! Nothing to do, and here come the boring days...

I was watching this move "A Perfect Day" lent to me by Ate Cheryl. I was thinking, "Whoa, I've never heard of this movie before and the cover seems pretty plain to me." But I just gone on and watched because I really had nothing else to do (I still need to do some decorating for the dorm but I did not have my heart set on it for this day.) So I watched. Then I cried.

I really don't want to do any movie reviews on this write. I just highly recommend you watching it. It will make you realize the value of life, what you should value, and makes you reflect on the essence of it. My motto eversince I was forced to think of a personal motto is: "Live like it's your last. Love like it's your first." I don't know if I have lived up to that motto, maybe sometimes I think I have but thinking about it, I really have not.

Some of my favorite quotes from the movie:
"....whatever doctors tell you, know this, the heart is a mysterious, powerful tool. Fill it with love, selflessness, faith, and there isn't anything that can't be overcome. You just have to choose the right path...What's the right path?...Why not try praying? You could use it."

"...[Life] is an ongoing game of musical chairs. You leave and somebody takes your place."

"You want to live so you can stay with the ones you love..."

"Life if fragile. Love is not."

They say we should take risks in life. I have been taking too many risks in life that sometimes I am afraid of taking another most especially when that risk affects matters of the heart. Should I still take this risk? I guess many people would say "go on!" and many people think that I am a very strong person not to take risks. I think sometimes too, but sometimes I just think I've had enough. Now, I just hope God would protect me and guide me with all the risks I take. And I just hope that when someday that someone would come into my life and capture my heart, I just hope he would take care of it for having it entails having all of me - not just my heart, but also my soul and my all. I'm scared but sometimes I think I just have to do things to uncover many other paths. Sure, everything's uncertain, but the certain thing is, if we set our eyes even on a dimly lit path, we would surely reach our destination if we just put our hearts into it.