Monday, June 30, 2008

Happy

Many people would want to talk about something they are very happy about and brag it to all the people in the world. But me? I'm scared of sharing something because that something may just disappear as fast as it appeared into my life and then I would think that I should have not broadcasted it 'coz maybe not keeping it a secret makes it go away. Weird thinking but anyways, I just want to tell the world that I am happy. If this thing remains for a few months more, then maybe it is worth the risk of broadcasting into the world. It is just too good to be true...

The Iowa Philippine Independence Celebration

It was fun! :) We had barbeque and fun fun fun! :) Soon I'll post some pictures... I've been eating a lot for the past 4 days.. Oh no!!!! And now I am befriending mr. adipose again. Haha! Yesterday was Peter's birthday and Tonee and Peter prepared this yummy yummy chicken and we had a bbq at Ate Vilma's place... and it was oh so delicious. Reminds me of bbq station in CDO the best bbq in the world! Hehehe. But I have a big reason to slim down again. Haha. Super inspired! ^_^

And the clock ticks....

A few months more and I'll be back in California. I'm excited but I guess I am also sad. Leaving my dorm room (the room I've come to love and care for the past months). Leaving Annapurna (wicked smile. hihi.). Leaving Fairfield (the ultra friendly town, the best town in US. hehe). Miles away from Chicago my favorite city (*sigh*). Parting my friends. Goodbye meditation (ahem). Farewell oh so fun trips. No more Pizza Ranch food trips. And one more important reason I just cannot say now....

Summerbreak....

I am happy. :) Thank you Lord.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Waiting In Vain

Quoting Bob Marley's song Waiting In Vain:
"
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sniff

My heart was hurting the whole day...
During meditation I felt like I would die of heart attack. Sniff.
I'm a fool. I have a brain but how can I be so stupid? I hope hearts have their own brains.
The cycle goes on and on.
Save me.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Once in a Saturday Afternoon

I am just an ordinary girl. Nothing special, really. They say I have the brains but that doesn't make me any more than what I am. I mean, that is too crude for me to say, I should be grateful, I truly am for it has helped me reach the position I am in but in many ways people have misunderstood me because of it.
I'm still having side effects due to burning of the midnight candle. We had a bearable exam this morning (thank God) and I had to make up my grades due to successive shameful quizzes. I hope the exam patched things up (bracing myself else I will be distorting the consistency).
I really apologize for talking in riddles sometimes. I guess some people maybe able to guess what I intend to impart but the reason for this really is for the person whom I am masking the message to to strive hard to get the message. Isn't that ironic? o_O
Have you ever tried hard to understand something and when you think you finally get the gist, you get lost again? I have felt like that many times this week - not just in lectures but also when chatting with people. It irritates me sometimes but my soft spot just surfaces and lowers my self-pity.
When I care, I really give my all and forget myself. Many friends of mine kept reminding me that I should start to think of myself or should I say, think of myself first. But I don't know where I got this trait of mine that when I start to think of myself first, I just shove those thoughts away and give in to service. Self-pity waxie, self-pity.
I just hope people will not take my care for granted. When I care, I really give a thread of my heart. Haha. Drama. ;)
Anyway, why I am writing again? Coz I forced myself to detach from cute senseless conversations with this person to whom I am slowly giving threads of my heart away. But now, I am having second thoughts if I should give these threads away... Should I throw caution to the wind or raise my defenses up? The wind is slowly pulling my threads away.. am I too late? I hope not. I can always pull them back. I just hope the bee will not sting. I hope.

Just Nothing

He grabs my attention but when he has my attention, does nothing with it.
With just one word, he can make me smile - but what does he do with that smile? Nothing.
He asks me if I miss him. I tell him I do. But does it matter? He does nothing with it.
I show him I care for him in many ways. But what does he do with it? Nothing.
Do I have any self-pity left? Nothing.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Thing

They just glitter when they behold you. It just soars when it hears you. It just thumps just because of mere words. The whole thing is confused.

It just lights up and comes to life when it senses your presence. It just awakens even by just a mere whisper. It reacts. It reacts.

But it is confused. The signals are intermittent. Sometimes crystal clear, sometimes opaque. Sometimes oh so faint, oh so faint.

But a mere signal enlivens my soul. A soul touched even at the boundaries, is energized by the whole. What a soul. What a soul.

If the real goal is to enliven it, please do and it will surrender. Else, let go. Just let go.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Yearnings

Things I yearn the most:

- a good job so that I my father would not work anymore, so I can help my family and ease their worries
- go back to the Philippines and have a weeklong vacation in a resort with my family and loved ones
- lose 10 pounds
- complete our house
- find my soulmate
- have enough money to treat my tita nora for a vacation
- good health for my family

Random Thoughts

If I were given 24 hours before I die, what should I do?
- call my parents and tell them that they are the best parents one could ever have. No money could ever replace the traits they have embibed in me.
- I will call my brothers and tell them that I also love them very much despite their hard-headedness before. hehehe. Love you bros! ^_^
- I will mail all my crushes and tell them i liked them before (hehe).
- I will invite my friends to go with me to a seafood restaurant and have a food fest. Eat all I can!!!
- I will reformat my harddrive, reinstall clean OS, and make it ready for use of my brother (now why have I thought of that? o_O)
- I will call my tita nora and tell her that aside from my family, she is one of the most important people in my life
- go to the beach/lake and swim for an hour
- transfer all my savings to my parents' accounts
- Go to my priest and have confession

My Unforgettable Memories (wonderful ones)
- the first time I opened and smelled my new encyclopedia given to me by my parents
- the first time I fell in love
- the time I swam at Baloy beach with fishes around me
- the time I was awarded that award with my father and brother beaming in front
- the time my mother came back
- the time I graduated from high school
- the time I was accepted I became a professional programmer
- the time I grazed my knees during a basketball game but they still wanted me to play
- the time I was sitting at the back of our high school gymnasium gazing at the cows and the clouds
- the time I was on top of the big acacia (was it acacia?) tree near the beach and just gazed at the open sea
- the time I was with my grandma and cousins in the beach eating snacks
- the time me and my cousins ran around the compound while it was raining cats and dogs
- the time when I was on top of the sineguellas tree with a plastic of salt at hand and munching sineguellas
- the time I was smelling the scent of the earth while I was doing gardening in our front yard
- the time when I was reading sappy romance novels in my bedroom
- the times when I had long talks with my papa
- the times I spent watching tv with my brothers and cousins
- the time when my visa for the US was approved
- the time when the plane landed and the first time I set foot on the US