Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve Imaginations

If I were in the Philippines now...

I'd be in a crowded supermarket with my mom ...

Cramming to buy grocery for new year's eve ...

Maybe in our tindahan passing time ...

Or having fun conversations with tita gangging and ate au ...

And probably inhaling the salty air from the beach ...

Or making passing chikka with ate angie and kuya oka ...

Or maybe running around with my nephew CJ ...

Or maybe prepare the house for 2009.

I just can imagine.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Fragments of Memories

Usually the little events in one's life are the ones that occupy the most memory - the ones that are most unforgettable. Like the wail of a premature baby. The small pats of a father during bedtime. The sweetness of freshly cut sugarcane. The soft crash of the waves heard while scribbling crush names on the sand. The bubbles of carbon in a glass of coke while sharing frenzied laughter with cousins. The wet lick of a most cherished pet dog. The constant pitter patter of rain outside jalousied windows. The callous feel of a palm of salt while perched on a wide sineguellas branch on a warm summer afternoon. The smell of newly bought books during school enrollment. A returned smile from a most admired one. A shivering hand held during a cheesy movie. Fried bananas on sticks with housemates on Saturday afternoons. The smell of gutters in Carbon. The shaky elevator rides in Skyrise. The surprising discovery of a male rabbit named Shobe. The tears of a mom bidding farewell. The approaching lights of Los Angeles. The looking forward to seeing Mr. Snowman. The long cold thirty-minute walks to Walmart. Code-scribbling on a whiteboard in an interview room. The call of good news from a recruiter. Heart-felt blogging on a winter's night.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Boring

I am pretty much bored here. Have accomplished much today - well I think so. Went to church, was able to do all of my laundry, clean my room, do the accounting for the apartment, grocery, discard old coupons, transfer the stuff of the balikbayan box to the new box, rearrange my cabinet (feeling OC na kaayo ko), clean the kitchen, and had lunch with Ma'am Rosa and Carla. It is just 6:27pm here and I am now thinking "What else can I do?". I guess I can throw out trash and clean out everything. I am pretty much alone in the apartment - with greg at this time still travelling from California. I really miss my family. Waah this sounds like a sirang plaka na pero I really miss my family and the compound. I miss my dog duchess. I miss my housemates and my friends. I miss the Philippines. I miss everything. I bought myself a cooking book "Complete Comfort Food" which was highly recommended by my ever buotan na Tita Nora. I am beginning to learn a lot of dishes na and I hope I will improve a lot in cooking 'coz I never found the time to really learn when I was still a teenager. I really envied my cousins for they learned a lot of stuff and I was all the while scurrying with my studies and my school activities. I just wish I have extra baking pans and mixing bowls so I can bake bread here. Waaahh I am yakking here .. even my writing's beginning to sound b-o-r-i-n-g. Tomorrow's another day of work but another holiday is again approaching - meaning, no pay again for me. The disadvantage of a contract worker. Lingawa ko beh. Grabeh ka boring. Unsa pa man ako buhaton dinhi? Chikahi sad ko ninyo beh. Haaaay. Mamatay ko sa kamingaw.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I just have to

I wonder what I did wrong. People are supposed to stick together but the cold shoulder makes me wonder what made her act that way. I really did my best but why on earth does she treat me that way? Did I really do something wrong? Reflecting back on things, I may have been at fault in some small ways but they were very lame for them to be the reason on the cold shoulder. This makes me lonelier.

My father long ago told me that I should not please all people. I just cannot do it. But still, I do my best. I maybe at fault by doing that but sometimes I really just can't help it. At times, I get tired that I just shun everyone. That happened yesterday. On Christmas day. When I got home from my aunt's house, I just slept, stirred and wondered, and slept again. I never felt so alone on a Christmas day. Never.

I miss my housemates in Cebu. I miss my family. I miss the bubbles of laughter. I miss the jokes.

But this is life and I have to live it. I have to survive. I just have to.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Stare and be Silent

An arms reach away he was -
I could barely see his chinky eyes dancing in laughter
Covered by his black curtain of hair
And all I could do is stare and be silent.

His laugh, like a couple of tiny bells shaking -
Composing a tune that would lull me to wonder
What is this thing that I feel
And all I could do is stare and be silent.

A weekend's start is fresh with you by my side,
With you unknowing of this interest that you
Have sparked within me.
And all I could do is stare and be silent.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was really just an arm's reach away and all I could do was stare. We still exchange words and still he knows nothing. Now he is a million miles away, I could stare no more and still I remain silent.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Looking forward to being un-dead

I read this article - about being like dead at the age of 28 from inquirer.net : http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/lifestyle/lifestyle/view/20081214-177865/Woman-thinks-her-life-is-over-at-28 and can't help but see myself in a similar manner. Well, I really don't hate my job - in fact I love my current job, I love my team and my company but social-wise, I think I am dead. Hahahaha. I just go to work, go home, sleep, and work again. During the weekends, I tend to circle Redmond and Bellevue but not really interact with humans. In short, I am pretty bored. I don't even know if I can be defined as a human being. Or as a social being perhaps with the social side of my life inactive.

This is the reason why I am going to volunteer for the Humane Society come February. I really look forward to doing this! Learning how to care for animals, walk dogs, feed them and the best thing is, interacting with the other volunteers. Then I can be human again! Hahaha. I can't help but recall the cut song from the animation Beauty and the Beast "Human Again" sang by the candlestick what's his name again? Lumier? and the rest of the ex-human staff of the Beast Castle.

Life has been stable but can't help and look for other social outlets in life. Lousy I know. And I am still beginning to face my social side here in Redmond. Maybe next week perhaps with a plate of sushi in between or Filipino food. Perhaps. :)

Weather has not been too good but not really that bad. I mean - a little sprinkle of snow here and there and the people here panic! They even cancelled classes. A little snow wouldn't harm you! I survived snow storms in Iowa - and walked to Walmart for at least 30 minutes while it was snowing. How is that? But yeah - it is really melancholic seeing the thin layer of snow lacing Redmond and can't help but recall my Iowa winter experience.

Well back to work! ^_^

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I nearly died today

I could have cried immediately but I did not. I just hurried in fear.

I just came from USPS (post office) and decided to just walk the few remaining blocks home. I felt I wanted to shed a few pounds off so why not? A few minutes of walk is nothing. In the last intersection, I thought that I really am looking forward to go home 'coz it is getting cold. I was even conscious of my bubblewrap-like jacket and was thinking that maybe these drivers at the intersection think I look like that mascot of a tire company. When the pedestrian light turned white, I began crossing the street. I was half-way when this SUV swooshed in front of me! I really had mixed emotions. One more step then I'd be dead. I am sure of that. It was so fast. And it ran the damn red light. I could not even think anymore, could not even remember the plate number. I felt so numb that I wanted to cry on the spot. I was thinking many times over that I am so lucky to still be alive. I thought drivers here respect pedestrians but now I seem to have changed my impression. Thank you Lord for still letting me live. Thank you.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I Feel Betty-Ful!!!

Many times I feel so bored during my spare time that I wade into the deep waters of Filipino series or what we call "telenovelas". I really tend to be choosy on what I watch - well, I just don't watch everything. I watched Marimar, Dyesebel, and now - I Love Betty La Fea. Hindi ko yon ikinahihiya. I highly recommend it. Even if many may find watching filipino soap operas baduy, whatever yaya! I love Betty La Fea! =P

I really look forward to watching it everyday. It is just the only thing nowadays that really make me laugh. It has been pretty lonely here in Seattle - with my sedentary life of work and apartment. Thanks for Filipino humour and the power of the internet - at least I am still human. :) With Betty, I am not just human, I am Betty-ful! Nyahaha!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

A Taste of Autumn in Snoqualmie


It really is a wonder travelling to the East of Seattle during an autumn day - seeing the cascade of colors blending with each other forming a very pretty picture of red, golden yellow, purple, green, brown and orange. Tito Harry was my tourist guide that day - treating me with a fabulous iHop feast and orienting me with the rich history of Seattle.

It is suprising to note that an urban place like Seattle can be so full of trees. We went to this Log Pavilion in Snoqualmie which is around 45 minutes from Bellevue. This place was where they used to process big logs like this. I feel like a dwarf in front of the giant log!
We then headed towards the Snoqualmie Falls and what a huge disappointment it was! :( The falls was veiled by a fog when we arrived! So Tito Harry and I ventured into a nearby golf course to drink some coffee and took some side trips along the road where I felt so exhilarated with nature's majestic canvass - glassy water surfaces and crunchy hues of red and yellow.
And of course, it wouldn't be complete without me in it! ^_^
Then we decided to go back to the falls - it is worth a shot! We felt that the day would really not be complete without seeing the falls. It was worth the wait!

It was really very cold near the falls. We could see some "kayakers" near the falls. It was good the fog cleared off!I eagerly positioned for a picture with the falls!

And you can hear it's loud fall...
Then at the end of the day we had to bid farewell to Snoqualmie and have dinner with the rest of the gang in Seattle. It was my first time meeting my other relatives here. We ate at this Chinese restaurant - sampling lots of different Chinese (of course) food. Then I had to go 'coz my chauffeur was already waiting outside - honking.
And thanks Tito Harry for tagging along with me! I love Seattle!!! :)
My relatives in Seattle
... and Tito Harry my tour guide! ^_^ (Tito, you are gonna be famous with this picture)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Don't make my papa cry

Tonight I heard my papa cry for the first time in months. He told me that he loves me very much and despite whatever happens, he will fight for me. I hate you for making my papa cry. How drastic can your actions be? Don't you know how to think? Think of my family too! With what you have done, you have been very selfish. You not only hurt me, but also my family in the process. If only I can rewind things. I thank God for a very loving father. And all I can do now is forget.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thanks for the Gazillion Breaths

It has been a long and eventful year for me. Too many unexpected happenings - like finally stepping onto the land I have been just imagining eversince I was a child, and working for a software company whose product I have been using for years now. I truly am blessed!
Many people have been too giving to me - too generous to be left unmentioned. I feel like I would burst my bubble if I don't say my thanks now. They have stuck with me through thick and thin - and inspired me to be who I am now. Yeah, yeah, here I am - the melancholic girl again. But it is just this only day of this year that I would be giving a space to the people I am really grateful to. So here it goes...
To my papa - you have been my walking stick, my one true inspiration, my driving force. Thank you for understanding me through the years, for never wavering in your belief in my abilities. Love you pa.
To my mama - for staying upright despite life's difficulties, for being my laughter, for being my best friend. For sticking with us, your family, and for just simply being there.
To my brothers - for simply being good. Nyahaha.
To tita nora - I feel like mura na ko ug sirang plaka. Tita, abot-langit ako pasalamat nimo. You are like my fairy-godmother. Ako dayon si cinderalla. Nyahaha. Thanks for the pumpkin, the glass slippers, and the opportunity. Prince charming nalang kulang.
To my baloy relatives - for the faith. for the love. i miss you guys.
To my HOW housemates - for the fun, the company, the food, the events, the single overnight because of the "baha". For accepting shobe as your extended housemate, for the banana-cues every saturday and sunday afternoon, for the lami kaayo na food every christmas party, for the movie marathons, for the warm love. charmous ginamos. thank you.
To rex and levon - for all the advices and the Red Moon lunches, for the serious career talks and mga walay klaro na sturya, salamat.
To ballotie - for unexpectedly being a very, very good friend to me (hahaha, unexpected bitaw jud lotie). For sticking with me through thick and thin. Mingaw na ko sa imo bayhana ka. =P
To master inting - for allowing me to resign. Hehehe. For allowing me to chase my dream and for being a very good bossing.
To dan - upgrade from teacher, friend, xcel adviser, life adviser. Thanks dan ha for the listening ear.
To ma'am rosa, carla, edson and dianne - for letting me stay for a few weeks. I couldn't have reached the end of the bridge without your generous support. Charchar! ^_^
To the fairfield pinoy families - for all the wonderful company and delicious food!!!
To greg and AJ - sa inyong daog-daog nako, I tell you - I am not a dinosaur! =P Thanks for making me your little sister sa IA. And I am not a barako! bantay lang jud mong duha.
To Maharishi - for inventing TM and giving me this opportunity. Nyahaha. Jai Guru Dev.
To my ultimate idol, to my father up above - thank you for letting me breath gazillion times more. Thanks for letting me experience this thing called life. For letting me feel, for letting me sing and dance. For letting me think. For letting me write. For letting me love. Thank you.
And to all those who I have left out who've shared a part of themselves even in little ways, sorry. But I do thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks, for just embracing me as your friend. I look forward to being your friend a year more! :)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

In the greater scheme of things

These lines of one particular song keeps getting into my mind:

Tired of weaving dreams
Too loose for me to wear.
Tired of watching clouds
Repeat their dance on air.
Tired of getting tied, to doing what's required.
Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things?
Through with taking roads someone else designed
Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine
Will I even be surprised that you're with me in disguise
Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?

I think I'll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place so my life can fall in place
I know in time I'll find my place
In the greater scheme of things.

========================================================

The past month has been kind of hard for me.
True, people do stupid things sometimes and we just have to forgive them.
But sometimes it just is too hard to forget what they have done.
But you try to forget and forgive at the same time. I hope forgetting and forgiving go hand in hand. But they just don't.
Sometimes, you want something but then you realize that wanting that something is wrong. But spatting that something out leaves a bitter taste in your mouth that your memory relives in some random chew you sometimes make making sweet tasting morsels difficult to enjoy.
I wish I had been wiser.
But thank God there is a tomorrow, a tomorrow that acts like a sebo de macho, a tomorrow that slowly erases scars.
Thank you Lord for the blessings.

Answered Prayers

I remember getting out of my interviewer's room feeling so disappointed of myself. Not another failed interview. The first time I did not make it because of my lack of detail in testing, I succumbed to the tiredness and exhaustion. I felt like I was ready but then I was not for I did not give my all. I had another chance but then I just lost it to yet another misinterpretation. Just because the interviewer said "So that is already done?", and I would reply "Yes I think so". But then she called me back and led me to the next interviewer's room. And I saw a flicker of light ahead of me - the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. Another chance for me.

It was a great start of the week for me. I did not expect to receive the call but my prayers were really answered. They wanted me to be part of the team! And to a team I wanted to be with - the Microsoft WEX team - the team incharge of testing applications' compatibility with Windows 7. I was thinking, I did not mind the pay, I just wanted the experience.

After a month and a half, I finally got hired. The first month, I just let myself be slaved by fear and enveloped my being in my aunt's home - was scared of accepting interviews and appointments. After the first month, I just had to face it all and had to move on. I just had to face things, face the music. I finally got over it and had to recite the Nike motto again and again and again. I accepted all interviews, even the C++ technical interviews I braved to face. But before I was scheduled to go into my noon interview, the call from my recruiter with the good news came. Thank God. I am saved. I do not have to embarrass myself because of the lack of preparation.

So Microsoft, here I come.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Skipping Chapters

I finally made progress today.

It just feels so good accomplishing things and crossing out items on your ToDo list. I finally skipped out of the Linked Lists chapter and jumped into Chapter 9 from Chapter 4. Now I understand what the others felt before they got into job search. It is like knowing the water is gonna be icy cold but you have no choice but to plunge into it. And you have to prepare for the plunge.

I will be leaving in a week's time. Saturday is my target day. I will be bidding farewell to this little sanctuary of mine - this four-wall comfort zone and get prepared for ear-burning calls and nerve-wrecking interviews. The post-campus life of an MUM international student.

Now back to Chapter 9. Or maybe, Chapter 10 perhaps?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Funny Error Message

I typed into my browser this accidentally: "inquirer.net\/" and it gave me this:

Error 503 Service Unavailable

Error talking to backend

Guru Meditation:

XID: 524947444

Varnish

=============

What on earth is this error message? ^_^ Guru Meditation? Hahahaha.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Countdown

I will be leaving Fairfield on September 7. Two weeks more. I can't believe it.

Time truly flies fast! I am now on twiddling my thumbs and can't seem to do things right - and this happens when I am nearly there.. I mean, I am still going to the starting point and I feel like I am not ready for the race. This is the race for my dreams, to do what I planned to do and be good in it. Yet I feel I really am not ready yet.

I have to get a grip on myself and start publishing my resume and face the recruiters. I have to polish what I have started and face the music. I just have to. I have to shed off all this fear and just hold my head up high even if deep inside I am scared. Some people ask why I'm scared, of all the years in my life, why do I have to be scared now? I just fear fear. I have to end this and open the door, accept the wind and let myself fall freely.

I can't avoid it. I have to let it happen. I should be ready. I have to be.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

24 Hours

This is gonna be one gruelling day. Yet again.

Again, as a result of my procrastination, I'm gonna cram for our final project. Greg is gonna kill me if I don't finish my part within the 24 hours... I can do it! :D Well if I can't I guess we still can make it. In less than 48 hours we have to submit the 30% part of our grade and I hope it turns out alright..

Massage me please. Sleep, don't invade my thoughts. Leave me be. I'm not a coffee drinker, what do you suggest? I have to remain awake for the next 24 hours. I just have to survive. Thursday afternoon, you are my inspiration - for now that is (ahem). :)

Her Advertisement

I stroll by the water's edge feeling the late afternoon's breeze
Squinting at the sun's farewell rays and minding the chilling squeeze
Of the night that's coming and here I am alone again
Casting my thoughts and wishes and throwing them straight up to heaven

For years I did not mind and just found myself watching
Lovers strolling hand in hand by this long salty stretch kissing
And hugging each other until the sun bids farewell
As I was just content with the idea of being just a nun, that really I can tell

Everyday I lived my life making couples happy
In this kaleidsocopic world of tears, laughter and misery
Extending bunches of flowers day by day that's what I do
They just don't know how sad I am, they just don't have a clue

I then realized that I yearn for something more
I want a new chapter, a new stanza, and open a new door
In this sendentary life of mine I think it needs a sprinkle
Of something different, a spurt perhaps or even a tiny twinkle

Here I am the flower girl not the kind that you see in weddings
I'm just the same as you, as everyone else, I also think of happy endings
One day I'll be given my own flowers and find my own true mate
But really I'm serious, I'm truly looking for a date!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

On the Verge of Falling

Procrastination is the #1 enemy of programmers who have deadlines everyday as well as the nemesis of students who have deadlines every week and upcoming exams. I might as well face it and extinguish it off me, purge it out and live on with my life. I better start grabbing those books, perch myself on the sofa and prepare myself for the 24 hours of nerve-wracking intense study. The life of a masters student.

The image you see if the first output we had during the first week of our Computer Graphics (CG) class. It was greg who chose this Simpson house model (for I just chose to draw my own Winter Wonderland scene and hoped to capture that image in 2D). But when Greg was able to depict most of the famous cartoon's dwelling on screen making use of Java's 3D APIs, I was inspired to finish the scene and helped him with the surrounding greens, some parts of the house and the finishing touches of Bart's home. I would say it looks complicated enough for you to think it was challenging to make but I think it would really be undermining things if I say it was easy to make. It was the start of the course and we had more than 500 lines of code for a single image. But we really don't blame ourselves for there were still some things that we did not know.

This image should inspire me to study today - and just finish things off with a bang. I still have a final project to finish but I should erase that from my head and concentrate on this upcoming exam. Many people thought CG to be a walk in the park but if you find matrix conversions, trigonometry, and algebra to be easy, think again. I thought at first it was gonna be easy too but I changed my mind 180 degrees on the first day.

But I pray that the exam tomorrow would not be as bad as I anticipated. So help me God.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Heart's Reflections 1

My personal motto is: "Live like it's your last, love like it's your first". I am supposed to be starting our final project tonight but instead, here I am typing away my thoughts - of home and of my life before I came here. So here I am, sharing my treasured memories of my life back at home - and what I think and feel of the people around me. Living like it is my last.

I am lucky to have lived with a close knit family. I really am thankful for the way my parents raised me and disciplined me. Despite some storms along the way, I am glad to have weathered them all. I have become strong and have learned to dream, even dreams which I thought would be impossible.

I lived in a family compound stretching from the highway to the beach. It is not as big as you think it is and the size really does not matter. It has become a niche for dreams for me; it was where I started to dream small dreams, big dreams, impossible dreams.

As a child, I was lucky to have my cousins as playmates. My cousins from Davao used to come to the compound every summer and we really looked forward to every summer vacation. We used to race to the beach every morning and spend the whole day basking under the heat of the summer sun until our skins turned red and burned. We welcomed the peeling of our skins the next day - looking forward to our next beach sessions. We swam with the fishermen and their fishnets - and them scolding us for pulling the still-struggling fishes from the nets. I learned how to find worms on the sand and got excited when I get to pull one out which I would then "donate" to some people fishing on the seaside. When teachers in grade school would lovingly torture us with declamation pieces to memorize, together with my printed declamation, I would memorize stanzas perched on a branch of my favorite tree near the beach. The beach became my bestfriend. On its sands I wrote the names of my crushes, and it was where I ran to when I felt low. It was where I cried when my father scolded me, and where I spent time when I felt giddy with joy. It was where I had my debut party. And I hope, it is gonna be where I am going to get married. It is a very special place for me.

I remember us having "siesta' with our Lola in her favorite plastic chair near the beach with 2 bottles of coke and bags of Piattos, Mr. Chips and Nova. Sometimes, even some pieces of her (and mine too) favorite cobs of corn bought from a passing tindera. I really miss my Lola. She was like the thread that held us all and when she died, it was like everyone just started getting out of the compound.

I was a very shy girl back then. I only talked when needed, and was usually described as a serious, melancholic person. I was also VERY thin back in high school, my classmates in Pisay never envisioned me to balloon up. Ahem. Pisay - Philippine Science High School. I guess I was the first one who really left the compound when I was still 13. I guess I really matured during that time - preparing myself for the upcoming turmoils in my life. It was really a blessing for me. It's bad that I don't have much pictures left of my time there. The substitute of the beach was the farmland at the back of the gymnasium. I used to spend Saturday afternoons staring at the stretch of land at the back where the cows grazed and wrote poems there. It was the time of my life when I realized that I should learn to speak up and be stronger. I grew up.

Then college came. College was a whirlwind. It was good high school prepared me for all the events that happened to me in college. Family, school organizations, scholarships, peers. I had to balance them all. But the thing is, everything came out well. I became more confident, more open, and learned how to smile a lot. I learned how to interact, to serve, and to care for the people around me. I grew up more.

Then I graduated. And Cebu came. My first job made me realize that I am not meant to be a call center agent but to be a programmer. Within only 2 months in the job, and despite big possibility of promotion on regularization, I had to bail out. Taking calls is just not my thing. I was itching to see some codes, to think of algorithms, for a change in career. I craved for normal working hours and holidays. I just had to switch. And I did. Then I began to breathe.

To be continued...

Monday, August 04, 2008

My Reason 08.02.08

The shutter released and there I was smiling
You again did a great job and there I was just tagging
To witness life's miracles and great events
And find its glory and just make sense

But then you thought I came there for the free food
Or maybe you thought I was forced to make you feel good
Being in the middle of things really just excites me
And drifting with you just sets me free

Or maybe you thought I just am always bored
And I've been searching for things to make my life colored
But you know better that pictures can come to life even in black and white
Ostrich and elephants in dreams could take flight, now that would be a sight!

Yes I admit all of these makes me appreciate
The beauty of reality more and makes me have more faith
But that is not really what I am truly after
What I really just want to do is be with the one who releases the shutter

Friday, August 01, 2008

Tricks of Fate

How lucky you are when a guy would THINK that YOU are the woman of his dreams
How lucky you are when a guy would FEEL that YOU are the ONE
How lucky you are when a guy DECIDES that he LOVES you
How lucky you are. How lucky you are.

How confused you got for how could he THINK that YOU are THAT woman?
How confused you got for how could he FEEL that YOU are the ONE?
How confused you got for how could he DECIDE that he LOVES you?
How confused you are. How confused you are.

How hurt he FEELS when you REJECT him
How hurt he feels when you DEFLECT him
How hurt he feels when you let him GO
How hurt he feels that he too lets you GO
How hurt he is. How hurt he is.

Fate just plays trick on him, but mostly on you...

When you THINK that he is the MAN of your DREAMS but he is GONE
When you WANT him BACK but he is GONE
When you FEEL that he is the ONE but he is GONE
When you DECIDE that you LOVE him but he is gone
He is gone. Oh he is gone.

Then you cry. You just cry.

A Song that Makes me Sigh

Heard this song on the radio in Ate Chery's car on the way home from Pizza Ranch (was down with fever and had to get out). I can't help but admire the piano intro and the nice lyrics.. and again.. can't help but reflect...
================================================
Wait For You by Elliott Yammin

I never felt nothing in the
world like this before
Now I’m missing you and I’m wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know; so now I’m all alone

Girl you could have stayed but you wouldn’t give me a chance
With you not around it’s a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they keep runnin’ down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
(When) Everything stays the same
I just can’t do it baby

What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain’t like that
Why can’t you look at me?
You’re still in love with me
Don’t leave me crying

Baby why can’t we just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you’re telling me it won’t be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you’re keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it’s the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
I’ll be waiting …

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I don't like Crossroads that much

As defined by wikipedia, a dilemma " (Greek δί-λημμα "double proposition") is a problem offering at least two solutions or possibilities, of which none are practically acceptable; one in this position has been traditionally described as being impaled on the horns of a dilemma, neither horn being comfortable." Well, I don't know if the problem I have now is a dilemma for the solutions are not really that uncomfortable.

In a month's time, I will relocate to California. My home base for my "career war". I haven't even revised my resume yet, and I haven't revisited my work experiences. Simply said, I am not ready. For the past months, I have been so sure of Seattle as my final destination but now, I am having second, third, N thoughts. I don't think I like crossroads that much.

I have relatives in Seattle, I also have relatives in Texas and I have my tita Nora in California - so I should open my options to these states. I really really am confused. I hope in the next few weeks I will be enlightened.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Fast Post

This will be a long, busy day for me so I might as well take advantage of these few minutes of free time before class to post something in my space. I just finished reading chad's blog and I have been very enamored of the way she presented things that I felt like I should write more articles like that! Thanks chad for the inspiration. Well, all I have been writing in my blog for the past months have been articles about myself that I thought maybe I should write more intelligent articles. I guess I should. This is great. I am excited!!!

I guess my first "intelligent" article will be about my hometown - Cagayan de Oro. I have been talking with a close friend of mine about my favorite spots in CDO; I guess I will be needing additional help from my cousin for visual representations. Hehehe. Ate au help me! I don't know, I really feel like writing something interesting. I feel like I should put this "writing energy" on the roll. I will just update you guys on the progress of my future post.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Tired but Happy

I am bracing myself for a new block, a new course, and come to think of it, I am the only female in our class (for this block!). My other female batchmate transferred to another course and I was sooooo thankful that at least I have one other female companion but yesterday I was disappointed to learn that she jumped the ship. Okay.. :D So here I am again - one of the guys.

The past week felt like it was a whole year. Crazy week! Getting to speak in front of class, and meeting great new friends! The latter reason is I think what really made the week stretch. It is great - purging out memories I have so carefully stacked at the back of my mind's basement of events never thinking I'd be able to speak them out again. Melancholic and relieving at the same time.

A month more ... and I am off to be fed to the dogs (what a very pessimistic way of saying things! o_O) I still have so many things to learn, so many things to do, so many things to wrap up. I wish I could do them in time to be ready for the interviews.

To the new friends I have met for the past week, thank you for making me smile each day. And to the One up Above, thank you for giving me strength.

I think I am going back to sleep. Recuperating from a long night..

I blog coz I live.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Princesses' Woes

The poisoned apple I did not want...
The strike of midnight I tried to avoid...
A pair of legs I yearned the most...
A prick of a needle most unexpected...
Kidnapped by a frog which I so most feared...
Befriending a genie and making a wish...
And falling in love to the beast makes the most remarkable of all.

A Message to a Friend

Today I hurt a friend. I never meant to.. I did not want the hurt to be more than what it is.. They say honesty is the best policy but in this case I am having second thoughts. We have just been friends for just a few days but I can say this friend is one of the best friends I have ever met in my life. I just wish circumstances were different. I just wanted to protect my friend from myself, so I had to speak the truth. I never really meant to hurt my friend..

You know who you are. I hope you would still talk to me again. I am sorry. I am really very sorry. Why does it feel like I have known you for so long? I deeply apologize but I had to speak what I felt and thought..

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

And So I Thought

Lucky are those people who are able to express themselves fully with what they do.

I recently just became friends with some people who can fully manifest their creativity and at the same time affect those people they share these creativity with. Kakaiingit! I am still very sleepy right now - my body really wants to crawl back into those sheets but my mind seems to be flying and my hand is cooperating with it! ^_^ I had no choice but to do another blogpost again - even though what I am writing does not have a unified sense into it. Or I guess will not have no unified sense.

Random Words

Service. The word is not worth attaching to oneself; the definition can be fully discovered if this word is attached to people - helping out lots and lots of people. What is it to serve? To feel that most gratifying feeling of giving oneself to others. To sigh with a smug smile on the face. To feel that sense of relief of being able to at least give a piece of oneself. To feel that great sense of joy by acting selfless. Yes. Being selfless and just giving oneself out without thinking of what good you can absorb with an act.

Love. As they say "Love is like a bubble gum, makapilit, makabuang! (Love is like a bubble gum, when it sticks on you, makes you crazy!)". True? Maybe - if you let your emotions reign over your head. There are even times when we promote one tiny feeling of "like" to a feeling of "love". Then we just go crazy and fling ourselves without even thinking. I was like this before. I went moony and... should I say I served? Coz I said in my definition of service that being selfless and giving oneself without thinking of what good you can absorb with an act. I guess service is really done without thinking of oneself but thinking of what you are acting or thinking of the action you are doing. Do you get what I am saying? Sometimes loving is really just selfish. Like all you can think of is making that person like you back (you just feel like you are giving your all but all you really want is requited feelings). True loving is loving someone without expecting that person to love you back. That is the first condition in loving - never expect someone to love you back. It hurts but when you step onto the podium of love, just grab hold of the microphone, give your all but be thick-skinned enough to be able to withstand rounds of rotten tomatoes. But you'll never know - you'd get bouquets of flowers. You wouldn't know. Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get (Except if the chocolates are not assorted of course! Hahaha. That is what we call - boring life).

Anyway.. I just wrote what I felt like writing. My chest hurts again because I haven't bought my medication yet.. later perhaps? ^_^ I gotta find someone to drive me to the pharmacy... or maybe I'll just have to bring myself to walk under the heat.

Oh, the meditation bird does not knock anymore. It seems like he is like a representation of someone in my life (or shall i say, out of my life).. he knocked and I thought he wanted to get in. I was wrong.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Restoration

I could just laugh at myself. And I thought things were true. Oh my god. How is it that I could laugh and hurt at the same time? Am I becoming crazy? But it really is sad. Liking a guy and thinking that he is sincere and all and then you realize that there is no enough foundation to conclude sincerity unless he REALLY shows them. Then I stumbled across an article from Deanne's site and it was like the truth just slammed into my face and after I read it, I just smiled to myself and thought and thought "SEE?". The good thing is, I cherish friendship and whatever hurts encountered during a relationship I really value the friendship over hurts. At least there's still that thing remaining. So here I am again. Forgetting. And healing. :) A warm feeling and sometimes a headache too. Or shall I say a heartache? But that's what makes life great .. it has this auto-heal though it may take some time. The images keep flashing into my mind and they remind me of reality. Stupid. o_O

I am not supposed to face a computer right now 'coz we have this RC going on and I am supposed to delve into the safer aspects of life and forget pains. The heart clouds the brain. Emotions converted into thoughts and then thoughts are processed and thoughts are again converted into emotions. The vicious cycle.

I have to revert my attention back to what should be worth focusing on. The next few days, I will be restoring attention and restoring life. God help me.. :)

Saturday, July 05, 2008

The Meditation Bird

The first time I heard it knocking its beak on the glass window I felt like laughing. How ridiculous it looks - bashing its head on the window's surface and hoping to get inside. It feels the boundary but it is not conscious of the presence. It is a bird for whatever's sake! It cannot know.. it does not know...

There's this robin that is ever present every meditation. It just never gives up - never loses hope. I really wonder why it wants to get inside the meditation hall. Is it because it feels some "deep" vibrations from deep within or is it just curious? I wonder if it feels hurt. But whatever that bird feels everytime it slams into the window, it just doesn't mind the feeling and keeps on doing what it does every meditation time.

Sometimes, we are like this in love. Maybe we are just curious of what's inside or we hope for wonders. We just keep bashing into the window of love, we just keep knocking and never minding the pain and that ever hurtful feeling everytime we bash into it. We are even better than this bird, for we are endowed with better and bigger brains and "human intelligence". But despite this blessing, we just do not use this "thinking" capacity for everytime we face the window of love, it's just as if it (the brain) does not exist and we become stupid. We become so starry-eyed and we forget we are humans.

At first, I did not mind the knocking of the bird and I was just so concerned that what if it will die because of brain hemorrhage (I guess many girls now are hoping for that. haha.). But then, it just doesn't stop, and the knocking becomes noise...The barrier will always be there for the bird. But it just doesn't realize that. As humans, we should realize barriers and learn when to push and when not to push.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A Late Chicago Review

I shake my head and sigh.

It was a month since I was in Chicago. I really can say it is my favorite city - no biases. Well, maybe a little since when I last went there, I was with my friends. Chicago, the Windy City. Sigh. It was the first time I went to a roadtrip with friends. I apologize to Amado (my Egyptian friend) for going there not being THAT prepared. Yes, I printed out maps and maps of the different restaurants and places there, but I did not come up with a fixed itinerary (like I saw him do which is kind of embarassing for me 'coz women do these things. Hahaha! :)). We went there and had headaches on the parking spaces. We had to take long walks from the parking spaces to our destinations ... but all in all, the trip was not too bad. We had a great stay at the Holiday Inn (not to mention it was a long 45 minute drive (I think) from the city proper). The Millenium Park was great though. I thought for me the Navy Pier was kind of boring. The boat ride to the Shedd Aquarium was eye-popping! Hahaha. From the boat, you can get to see the city full-view (and fully appreciate the warmth of the sun, the hugs of the wind, as well as the sound of the gulls). And Shedd Aquarium? Kinda reminds me so much of the Philippines. But I still think nothing beats going to the Philippines and seeing the ocean life in full action through the glass bottom boats or through snorkeling. We tried to go to the planetarium but we felt at that time we did not have enough money for the entrance fee. So we just spent our time lying down on the grass near the place watching the big, sea-like river. I still feel giddy thinking of the trip. Though I missed going to the zoo, still it was a trip to remember. I know this is not a detailed review, but when I feel like writing one next time, maybe I will do. ;)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A Perfect Day

I cried today.

It is not as you think. I did not cry because of some moony stuff over love, or because I was angry at someone or because I failed on a test. I cried because of this movie.

Of course! Summerbreak! Nothing to do, and here come the boring days...

I was watching this move "A Perfect Day" lent to me by Ate Cheryl. I was thinking, "Whoa, I've never heard of this movie before and the cover seems pretty plain to me." But I just gone on and watched because I really had nothing else to do (I still need to do some decorating for the dorm but I did not have my heart set on it for this day.) So I watched. Then I cried.

I really don't want to do any movie reviews on this write. I just highly recommend you watching it. It will make you realize the value of life, what you should value, and makes you reflect on the essence of it. My motto eversince I was forced to think of a personal motto is: "Live like it's your last. Love like it's your first." I don't know if I have lived up to that motto, maybe sometimes I think I have but thinking about it, I really have not.

Some of my favorite quotes from the movie:
"....whatever doctors tell you, know this, the heart is a mysterious, powerful tool. Fill it with love, selflessness, faith, and there isn't anything that can't be overcome. You just have to choose the right path...What's the right path?...Why not try praying? You could use it."

"...[Life] is an ongoing game of musical chairs. You leave and somebody takes your place."

"You want to live so you can stay with the ones you love..."

"Life if fragile. Love is not."

They say we should take risks in life. I have been taking too many risks in life that sometimes I am afraid of taking another most especially when that risk affects matters of the heart. Should I still take this risk? I guess many people would say "go on!" and many people think that I am a very strong person not to take risks. I think sometimes too, but sometimes I just think I've had enough. Now, I just hope God would protect me and guide me with all the risks I take. And I just hope that when someday that someone would come into my life and capture my heart, I just hope he would take care of it for having it entails having all of me - not just my heart, but also my soul and my all. I'm scared but sometimes I think I just have to do things to uncover many other paths. Sure, everything's uncertain, but the certain thing is, if we set our eyes even on a dimly lit path, we would surely reach our destination if we just put our hearts into it.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Happy

Many people would want to talk about something they are very happy about and brag it to all the people in the world. But me? I'm scared of sharing something because that something may just disappear as fast as it appeared into my life and then I would think that I should have not broadcasted it 'coz maybe not keeping it a secret makes it go away. Weird thinking but anyways, I just want to tell the world that I am happy. If this thing remains for a few months more, then maybe it is worth the risk of broadcasting into the world. It is just too good to be true...

The Iowa Philippine Independence Celebration

It was fun! :) We had barbeque and fun fun fun! :) Soon I'll post some pictures... I've been eating a lot for the past 4 days.. Oh no!!!! And now I am befriending mr. adipose again. Haha! Yesterday was Peter's birthday and Tonee and Peter prepared this yummy yummy chicken and we had a bbq at Ate Vilma's place... and it was oh so delicious. Reminds me of bbq station in CDO the best bbq in the world! Hehehe. But I have a big reason to slim down again. Haha. Super inspired! ^_^

And the clock ticks....

A few months more and I'll be back in California. I'm excited but I guess I am also sad. Leaving my dorm room (the room I've come to love and care for the past months). Leaving Annapurna (wicked smile. hihi.). Leaving Fairfield (the ultra friendly town, the best town in US. hehe). Miles away from Chicago my favorite city (*sigh*). Parting my friends. Goodbye meditation (ahem). Farewell oh so fun trips. No more Pizza Ranch food trips. And one more important reason I just cannot say now....

Summerbreak....

I am happy. :) Thank you Lord.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Waiting In Vain

Quoting Bob Marley's song Waiting In Vain:
"
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sniff

My heart was hurting the whole day...
During meditation I felt like I would die of heart attack. Sniff.
I'm a fool. I have a brain but how can I be so stupid? I hope hearts have their own brains.
The cycle goes on and on.
Save me.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Once in a Saturday Afternoon

I am just an ordinary girl. Nothing special, really. They say I have the brains but that doesn't make me any more than what I am. I mean, that is too crude for me to say, I should be grateful, I truly am for it has helped me reach the position I am in but in many ways people have misunderstood me because of it.
I'm still having side effects due to burning of the midnight candle. We had a bearable exam this morning (thank God) and I had to make up my grades due to successive shameful quizzes. I hope the exam patched things up (bracing myself else I will be distorting the consistency).
I really apologize for talking in riddles sometimes. I guess some people maybe able to guess what I intend to impart but the reason for this really is for the person whom I am masking the message to to strive hard to get the message. Isn't that ironic? o_O
Have you ever tried hard to understand something and when you think you finally get the gist, you get lost again? I have felt like that many times this week - not just in lectures but also when chatting with people. It irritates me sometimes but my soft spot just surfaces and lowers my self-pity.
When I care, I really give my all and forget myself. Many friends of mine kept reminding me that I should start to think of myself or should I say, think of myself first. But I don't know where I got this trait of mine that when I start to think of myself first, I just shove those thoughts away and give in to service. Self-pity waxie, self-pity.
I just hope people will not take my care for granted. When I care, I really give a thread of my heart. Haha. Drama. ;)
Anyway, why I am writing again? Coz I forced myself to detach from cute senseless conversations with this person to whom I am slowly giving threads of my heart away. But now, I am having second thoughts if I should give these threads away... Should I throw caution to the wind or raise my defenses up? The wind is slowly pulling my threads away.. am I too late? I hope not. I can always pull them back. I just hope the bee will not sting. I hope.

Just Nothing

He grabs my attention but when he has my attention, does nothing with it.
With just one word, he can make me smile - but what does he do with that smile? Nothing.
He asks me if I miss him. I tell him I do. But does it matter? He does nothing with it.
I show him I care for him in many ways. But what does he do with it? Nothing.
Do I have any self-pity left? Nothing.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Thing

They just glitter when they behold you. It just soars when it hears you. It just thumps just because of mere words. The whole thing is confused.

It just lights up and comes to life when it senses your presence. It just awakens even by just a mere whisper. It reacts. It reacts.

But it is confused. The signals are intermittent. Sometimes crystal clear, sometimes opaque. Sometimes oh so faint, oh so faint.

But a mere signal enlivens my soul. A soul touched even at the boundaries, is energized by the whole. What a soul. What a soul.

If the real goal is to enliven it, please do and it will surrender. Else, let go. Just let go.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Yearnings

Things I yearn the most:

- a good job so that I my father would not work anymore, so I can help my family and ease their worries
- go back to the Philippines and have a weeklong vacation in a resort with my family and loved ones
- lose 10 pounds
- complete our house
- find my soulmate
- have enough money to treat my tita nora for a vacation
- good health for my family

Random Thoughts

If I were given 24 hours before I die, what should I do?
- call my parents and tell them that they are the best parents one could ever have. No money could ever replace the traits they have embibed in me.
- I will call my brothers and tell them that I also love them very much despite their hard-headedness before. hehehe. Love you bros! ^_^
- I will mail all my crushes and tell them i liked them before (hehe).
- I will invite my friends to go with me to a seafood restaurant and have a food fest. Eat all I can!!!
- I will reformat my harddrive, reinstall clean OS, and make it ready for use of my brother (now why have I thought of that? o_O)
- I will call my tita nora and tell her that aside from my family, she is one of the most important people in my life
- go to the beach/lake and swim for an hour
- transfer all my savings to my parents' accounts
- Go to my priest and have confession

My Unforgettable Memories (wonderful ones)
- the first time I opened and smelled my new encyclopedia given to me by my parents
- the first time I fell in love
- the time I swam at Baloy beach with fishes around me
- the time I was awarded that award with my father and brother beaming in front
- the time my mother came back
- the time I graduated from high school
- the time I was accepted I became a professional programmer
- the time I grazed my knees during a basketball game but they still wanted me to play
- the time I was sitting at the back of our high school gymnasium gazing at the cows and the clouds
- the time I was on top of the big acacia (was it acacia?) tree near the beach and just gazed at the open sea
- the time I was with my grandma and cousins in the beach eating snacks
- the time me and my cousins ran around the compound while it was raining cats and dogs
- the time when I was on top of the sineguellas tree with a plastic of salt at hand and munching sineguellas
- the time I was smelling the scent of the earth while I was doing gardening in our front yard
- the time when I was reading sappy romance novels in my bedroom
- the times when I had long talks with my papa
- the times I spent watching tv with my brothers and cousins
- the time when my visa for the US was approved
- the time when the plane landed and the first time I set foot on the US

Sunday, May 18, 2008

A Good Story

It has been 3 months since I arrived here in the states. I am really very thankful for having been given this opportunity to at least study here - and in the future work here even for a few months (or better yet, a few years).

I am now here in my room in the girls' dorm pounding on my keyboard and thinking that I don't get to write entries with "flesh" anymore. Truth to tell, I really am kinda confused these days about what actions I should take and what things I should change in myself to make me a better person - someone who could be of good to others and in contribute in many ways.

I grew up reading many books. It may sound nerdy but my first love were encyclopedia. My parents really invested in sets of encyclopedias for us to look and read when we were just kids. Encyclopedia were really very expensive back then - and even though we did not have much money, my parents really risked in buying these stuff. These really helped me in nurturing my education and helped kindle my interest in the sciences.

My second love was romance novels. Corny huh? My aunts had these shelves and shelves of books by Harlequin and when I was in high school I was too addicted to them. There were even times when I read these books early dawn with a flashlight under the blankets. I guess this is the period when we are too lovestruck with these fantasies. Then we get to think and hope that someday we would be able to meet the one and write our own story.

You get to hope but when you get into the real world, these stories rarely happen. I don't know. Maybe my story is yet to happen but I really don't drown myself in these fantasies anymore because I have experienced much in life to waste my time in such things. Maybe some part of me still believes in these things but it's like the embers of such fire are slowly dying away...

I have many guy friends but I really am kinda defensive now with these stuff. I am just afraid to get hurt. And get hurt. And get hurt.

But these things are what makes life interesting! These are the driving forces of life. These make you look forward to everyday, hoping that one day, you will have a good story to tell to your grandchildren. A good lovestory. Perhaps.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Duality

You have to admit that there are so many times when we feel sooo insecure. That you feel like you are so ugly, or you feel like everybody's laughing at you. Like you feel you are unappreciated. Like you feel like you're no one special. Like you feel like you are the lowest being on earth. Or sometimes, you just feel numb. You'd want to feel nothing at all. I feel that now. Numb. Nada. Zilch. Empty.

I know I shouldn't feel this. Or I shouldn't even write what I feel here. It's just so stupid. But what the heck. I just feel like I want to tell the world what I think and feel. I just feel like dissipating this huge chunk of sadness that I currently have.

And I told you I feel empty? I feel empty and non-empty. The two sides of the coin. That's impossible right? I feel too big like I feel like I'm gonna burst, and I feel too small like nobody would notice someone like me.

See?

I'll just sleep things over and I'll be smiling again... thank God for making night and day.

Monday, April 07, 2008

13 Signs You're Falling In Love

I got this from a friend's social site (and I think this is from Zwani.com). Cute. :)

13. You CAN'T stay mad at him/her for more than a minute or two. You actually have to try HARD to stay mad.
12. You'll read his/her IMs OVER and OVER again.
11. You'll walk REALLY slow while you're with him/her.
10. You'll feel SHY whenever you're with him/her.
9. While thinking about him/her, your HEART will beat FASTER and FASTER.
8. By listening to his/her voice, you'll SMILE for no reason.
7. While LOOKING at him/her, you can't see the other people around you... you can only see THAT person
6. You'll start LISTENING to SLOW songs.
5. He/she becomes ALL (that) you think about.
4. You'll get high by just his/her smell
3. You'll realize that you're always SMILING to yourself when you think of him/her.
2. You'll do ANYTHING for him/her.
1. While reading this, there was ONE PERSON on your mind the WHOLE time.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Meanderings

There maybe many times when you view a moment in life in a different perspective. Some may view it as a common event, for some it would be a crowning glory, and for you it may be one of the most special times that it is worth describing and embibing in your diary. But unfortunately, for some it is as normal as flicking dirt off one's sleeve. Then you get to rethink if it really is worth jotting in your diary.

I have been wanting change eversince I set foot on college and got to strengthen my principles in life. I have been too strong in one thing and too mushy in another. I can say I really value my career and education a lot - this area in my life not only pushes me up but also is an important vessel for my family. But on the other hand, I have been too soft emotionally (I can remember one friend of mine teasing me as "emo-girl" - he wanted me to be less sensitive. I really believe that I have already changed, even if just a notch, and improved this side of me. But I am afraid that in the end, going through all these emotional turmoils and by keeping on wiping off the moisture, my heart would end up like a rock. I hope not.

Everything has a reason, but unfortunately you make the choices to create such meanderings. A laugh, a cry, a twinkle of the eye is force enough to create a pathway in life. Moments of hurt weakens one to the point of contemplating if one still has the strength to stand and go on. But despite all these, rivers of tears quickly erode barriers and create new paths - giving you enough inspiration to get on your knees and push oneself up.

This is the beauty of life. You fall - yet deep inside you know you have the strength to pick yourself up, gather the pieces and build yourself up again. It maybe tiring, but the desire of completing that big picture puzzle that we call life inspires us twist and turn the pieces - and hope that on one area it will fit. And if it does, how triumphant and beautiful life can be.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Late Night Blues

Owkieeeeeeeeee... it's 1:16AM Spring Break. Just cannot sleep. Been hoping one of my friends would drop a message and say hi and I just cannot go on and message them because there really is a big possibility that I will just drop and sleep. I don't wanna have the face to message them and then leave them. Why on earth am I writing again? It's been two writes for this day and that is kinda unbelievable for me. Why on earth have I forgotten who I am? I mean, I was the person who loved art so much and who spent most of her time writing. I just came to realize many things when I customized my site today.

I really cannot say I was the one who customized my site because I just copied a CSS script from someone who made this script. Am I making sense? Because I felt like it would be just a waste of time if I were the one to make the css script to customize my page, I just gone on and Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. Wow. Technology. Then I got curious and visited the site of the person from whom I kinda burglarized. Then I saw that she was just 17 (now I know many people have talent even from such a young age) and I then realized with underlined, boldened and capitalized thoughts that I am a computer scientist who is currently taking her masters and has been awakening her artistic side over the years and I'm just grabbing scripts just because I feel tired to make my own. And not to mention it is spring break. (And now my brain keeps shouting that it really is tired. Come on.) Well I'll just try myself for the next few days and relive my css days from college and try to create one of my scripts and get familiarized with photoshop. Now maybe I should start with that.

Now I really got to sleep. Will continue with this tomorrow. ;) Nyahaha.

Updates!

Okie.. updates. Do I really need to write this? Well I just felt the urge to write something coz I'm feeling like this site is running dry. Hmmm.. what should I write about? About spring break? Nah.. my spring break's been pretty boring. If only I have lots of money, I could go tour round the country. But I have to think of saving my allowance for the time that I will be applying for a job. So what else? Yeah. Good news (well for me that is)!!! I got a driver's permit this afternoon (got only 2 mistakes in the written exam) and now I would be able to bash cars into others' cars! Joke only. Nyahaha. I hope papi will come back from Dominican Republic and buy a new car so I can bash his car (joke again!).

Winter makes us realize the beauty of spring. If winter isn't there, then spring would just be taken for granted - like we take the weather in the Philippines for granted. It is like always spring + summer there. Here, we get to appreciate small sprouts of grass, the burst of a flower and the hop of a rabbit. Signs of spring. Handfuls of happiness. Fun.

Oh btw, I seem like I've put myself into death penalty. Will be taking Advanced Software Development next block and saying hello to everyday quizzes and pure sheer torture (or should we call that a challenge?). Still waiting for my MPP grade. I hope I get to see the first letter of the alphabet. The second letter would still be welcomed with open arms.. just add a plus after it. ;)

Monday, March 03, 2008

The Conversation

It was on that Friday night that I realized many things and with this entry, I'll tell you all about it.

Last Friday, I had dinner with AJ and Papi. Then the unevitable topic was reached - relationships. AJ and Papi have their girls back home. AJ has a wonderful girlfriend back in the Philippines and Papi has this sweet wife back in Dominican Republic. One by one, they told me about that special moment - that moment that solidified their relationships, that moment that confirmed and glorified their relationships.

I am single yes I am. Am I proud of it? In some ways yes, in some ways no. I guess I really am not lucky in this aspect of my life. Sometimes I tell myself, "What the heck, I'll just forget about it and concentrate on other aspects." But deep down, I know I cannot. A part of me is yearning for a glorification of this part of my life - to love someone that deeply and to be loved back the same way. Not the "so-so" love but the real thing.

I am lucky to have met these friends of mine who have been giving me good advice. Do you know what they told me? They told me to PRAY. And I realized, I haven't really asked God for my ideal guy. I haven't told Him what I really desired. Of all people I haven't spoken to, I missed telling Him and it broke my heart realizing that.

What I maybe asking Him is too much. I am already very lucky to have a great family and an amazing set of friends. I have already offered my life to my family, but I realized I have to sprinkle this part of my life too and have it bloom in ways that could make me happy.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The American Dream

Here I am tapping away inside the girls' dormitory here in Fairfield Iowa. I should have spent my breaktime studying Java but melancholy hit me and I just had to write my thoughts down. So here I am, gathering threaded thoughts of the past week and relaying to who'd ever care to browse my page.

I really don't know how cold the weather is outside (Americans are real conscious of the temperature, no wonder they keep talking about the weather - not to mention that the weather condition here in our place is real bad). The bikes stowed outside are partially covered with snow (like I think 3-4 inches deep) and the wind is howling like crazy. It has been howling there most of the night and all day. I praise the olden people who have survived this place. Why on earth did Maharishi place his school here? Well I guess for the people to be able to concentrate more on his TM techniques.. I guess...

Everything's pretty new. New place, new friends, new EVERYTHING. New room, new bed, new weather, new... I have new clothes (courtesy of my aunt in california - thanks a lot tita! :)) but really, it's all necessity. Without these clothes, I bet our house that I would really freeze to death. My hair's having split ends (which I never had in the Philippines) and my nails want to get out of my skin. It's not that I am complaining, all of these are graces and I should be thankful but it really is not a picnic being here. To be up that pedestal, I have to climb Mt. Everest.

Maybe Americans think that I am here for the American dream. Or maybe many people do. At first I thought so too, but now, I wish I could go back to the Philippines, direct my own life and live life as lived. But for my own sanity and for the security of my family, I have to come here, eat my socks out and challenge myself.

Immigration was not that friendly though. He was smirking at the thought of Maharishi granting I20 visas. I was thinking, isn't that too judgmental? As to what I know, many students coming here in general and are from other countries really put their best foot forward. I even know some of my countrymen who studied in Maharishi who are now currently doing their internships in Microsoft (which is being looked up to by many people here and hailed by some as the biggest IT company here in the U.S.). I am not really that looking forward to the TM stuff (but it really doesn't hurt to try); what I am looking forward is the challenge of getting that masters degree - not just pass it but being able to get it with flying colors. And who knows, in the future I'd be able to go to a better school.

What about my room? It is as big as the room I shared with 4 people in my high school dorm. Not bad. I have internet connection, a heater, many shelves and a huge cabinet (does that sound like I am bragging? ^_^ Sorry, I really am just very proud of my room. Heehee.) I already arranged my stuff and it is looking liveable. Hehehe. AJ said by the first look of it, it looks like a big prison cell. But nah, some cute touches and it looked OK already.

What about the place? As I said, very very cold. Like some giant dumped the remains of his ice cold Coca Cola. Heehee. The food? Terrible in the evening, great in the morning. Why terrible during dinner? Coz I just really amazed by their talent of being able to turn greens and vegetarian stuff into food. I'm sorry coz I really am not a vegetarian. I would love to have a taste of KFC anytime.

But I can say I would love some extra blankets and extra pillow (a long hotdog pillow would do or a big pillow).

Just to add - this afternoon, I had an "afternoon"mare. I dreamt I could not wake up from my dream because some being is preventing me from waking up. Imagine, a dream within a dream. I could have died. And when I finally woke up, I had cramps. Leg cramps. But thank God for letting me live. Maybe it was because of my digestion of a huge amount of breakfast. I should eat less breakfast the next time.

I am the only Filipina in our batch. There are many Nepalese. We are 3 Filipinos all in all (for the Feb entry, Computer Professionals Program). Because they tend to talk their language when I am with them, the tendency is I get to hide inside my bedroom most of the time (which I hate to do). But most probably, I will be getting out of my burrow soon.

Another thing, don't ever fall for someone who just wants to kiss you. Make sure the reason he wants to kiss you is because he loves you not the other way. (Now why on earth did the topic shift?) The guy I'm talking about knows who he is but I bet a million he will not be able to read what I'm writing here.

So to those who want to live their American dreams? Think long. It's not easy to reach the cloud. And being on the cloud is not at all easy.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Most Wanted Kiss

There's this guy whom I've always dreamt of kissing. Laugh at me, or make a joke of it I don't care. I always wanted to kiss him and last night I had the chance.

It was through this dream (OK, OK, pathetic right? Just through a dream huh?) He has always been unreachable, and all I was able to kiss was his cheek.

I dreamt my family was throwing me a despedida party or a send-off party shall we say. It was in a decomposing building in some creek I dunno where. Have you ever watched Rescuers? Remember the boat-like structure where the ugly madam lived with her alligators? It was like that. And imagine, even in that building I still dreamt of kissing him.

I was wearing this great dress (I guess to compensate for the ugly setting) and I was in a sore mood. I was having this argument with my aunt and I saw myself traipsing 'round the derelict place. Then I saw him - the guy whom I've always wanted to kiss.

Skip. Ahem. Skipping details.

Disappointingly, I ended not kissing him. Why? I'll spare you the details. Bottomline? Maybe I really am not meant to kiss him. Hahaha.

Poor me. ^_^

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Day

1-4:59 am: Intermittent thoughts. Kept waking up.
5am : Got up before alarm. Had to get ready.
5.30: Was having toast as breakfast. Scanned all documents. Checked if everything is in place.
6:10: On the way to US Embassy
6:15: Lined up in front of US Embassy. Papers checked. Schedule double-checked. Was on the list (thank GOd!)
6:20: Already inside the pavilion. Lining up for double-check of papers and acquired number.
8:00: Finger scan.
8:15: Waiting for interview. Talked with a guy who was from Dep Ed and wanted to get a tourist visa. I think he was number 2647. I was number 2689.
8:20: Was still listening on consul's sigh (I kept hearing the interviews of the other hopefuls and I really kept hearing the consul sigh). I then saw her tired and irritated look. I then wished my consul was more cheerful.
8:30: Number 2689 up! Then I walked to window 2 and found the consul to be cheerful not to mention handsome. Thank God!
8:32: Visa approved. America here I come! :) Yellow slip received.
Thank you Lord.

Friday, January 11, 2008

It's Done

This is a week of truth. Veritas liberabit vos. The truth shall set you free. Indeed.

I felt heavy - t'was as if I was carrying a sack of rice, and I could not put it down if my destination has not been reached. And I just could not have the heart of daring to put it down. So I heaved a huge amount of breath and started walking to his cube.

It's not easy. I mean, my team leader has been one of the most calm and easy-to-work-with persons I've ever known in my life. And I have a project deadline on April! But I had to push myself and drag my feet towards his cube. I had to tell him the truth.

I told him of my plans. Once I got started, it all flowed. But I had to go direct to the point. No more dramas. And I apologized for the short notice. I just could not risk things if the surety is just like 40%. I had to be 100% sure.

His reaction made me want to stay. But I have to let go and pursue my dream. If it is my destiny to remain there, then I'll stay. if only I would have the chance to work with him again in the future.

I'm indeed fortunate to have had a TL like him.

Then I was able to breath freely again. My eyes were stinging with trapped tears but I had to prevent the gates from opening. I had to stay calm and strong. My voice kept breaking, but I was glad I did not cry.

It's done.

This write is not yet done. I will be adding another article on my other experience just the start of this week.