Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How Blindness and Stupidity are related

I am in pain right now. Not the skin-deep physical pain but the numbing, heart-shocking kind.

Last night, I realized that I am a very sensitive person. Not that that is bad but if you get to be with a person that is very insensitive, that would not be a good combination. It would be like oil and water - never in agreement with each other, and is yet proven to be able to get along well. So unless science finds a way to make the two elements mold, then they would remain apart. But I am sticking. Call me crazy but I am sticking for now. I am water, always sensitive, sensitive of ripples, sensitive to the touch. Always accepting, always yields. That may not be good for me.

It was supposed to be just a casual conversation over dinner about money and financial matters. But because of my sensitivity and his insensitivity, things did not end well. I never felt so low before. With other people, I could easily defend myself and underscore my opinions and feelings so that the opposing side could see things clearly. But with him, things just seem different. How he could easily turn the tables on me and make me feel guilty. Now I know what the phrase "crying his sockets out" or "crying out in buckets" feel like. After that painstaking crying session, I resolved to myself that I would never cry that much again. My head felt like it would explode anytime, that even lying down on a soft surface didn't alleviate the pain - and ever increased my emotional tantrums. My brain and my heart exchanged questions back and forth like a ping pong ball artistically prodded to the other end of the table. In the end, my heart won, and I just had to submit to that decision.

Is this decision something that I will doubt in the years to come? Am I a hypocrite to myself? Is this supposed to be healthy? Is this normal?

I just want to feel loved. Is that too much to ask?

I am a living example of "Love is blind". The saddest thing is, I chose to be blind.

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