Sunday, May 18, 2008

A Good Story

It has been 3 months since I arrived here in the states. I am really very thankful for having been given this opportunity to at least study here - and in the future work here even for a few months (or better yet, a few years).

I am now here in my room in the girls' dorm pounding on my keyboard and thinking that I don't get to write entries with "flesh" anymore. Truth to tell, I really am kinda confused these days about what actions I should take and what things I should change in myself to make me a better person - someone who could be of good to others and in contribute in many ways.

I grew up reading many books. It may sound nerdy but my first love were encyclopedia. My parents really invested in sets of encyclopedias for us to look and read when we were just kids. Encyclopedia were really very expensive back then - and even though we did not have much money, my parents really risked in buying these stuff. These really helped me in nurturing my education and helped kindle my interest in the sciences.

My second love was romance novels. Corny huh? My aunts had these shelves and shelves of books by Harlequin and when I was in high school I was too addicted to them. There were even times when I read these books early dawn with a flashlight under the blankets. I guess this is the period when we are too lovestruck with these fantasies. Then we get to think and hope that someday we would be able to meet the one and write our own story.

You get to hope but when you get into the real world, these stories rarely happen. I don't know. Maybe my story is yet to happen but I really don't drown myself in these fantasies anymore because I have experienced much in life to waste my time in such things. Maybe some part of me still believes in these things but it's like the embers of such fire are slowly dying away...

I have many guy friends but I really am kinda defensive now with these stuff. I am just afraid to get hurt. And get hurt. And get hurt.

But these things are what makes life interesting! These are the driving forces of life. These make you look forward to everyday, hoping that one day, you will have a good story to tell to your grandchildren. A good lovestory. Perhaps.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Duality

You have to admit that there are so many times when we feel sooo insecure. That you feel like you are so ugly, or you feel like everybody's laughing at you. Like you feel you are unappreciated. Like you feel like you're no one special. Like you feel like you are the lowest being on earth. Or sometimes, you just feel numb. You'd want to feel nothing at all. I feel that now. Numb. Nada. Zilch. Empty.

I know I shouldn't feel this. Or I shouldn't even write what I feel here. It's just so stupid. But what the heck. I just feel like I want to tell the world what I think and feel. I just feel like dissipating this huge chunk of sadness that I currently have.

And I told you I feel empty? I feel empty and non-empty. The two sides of the coin. That's impossible right? I feel too big like I feel like I'm gonna burst, and I feel too small like nobody would notice someone like me.

See?

I'll just sleep things over and I'll be smiling again... thank God for making night and day.